Parking the Car - Permanently

It is one of the most contentious issues between an aging parent and a family caregiver ... driving. Just when should a senior give up the car keys?

Legally, one must consider one's own provincial/territorial legislation - part of which will be to ensure public safety on all public roads and highways. Emotionally, it is a completely different matter! After a lifetime of driving a much-loved vehicle, seniors don't often feel obliging to simply parking the car - permanently. However, for the safety of your parent, yourself and other motorists and pedestrians, you must step in.

Depending on your own city / town, there are often numerous transportation alternatives for a senior: family members acting as chaffeurs, taxis, public transit and senior's driving services. You must seek out these options and convince your parent that these are viable choices. Expect your parent to remain stubborn - winning this argument is much like a parent convincing a child to finish eating his/her vegetables. This will take both resourcefulness and creativity on your part. If you need some help getting started, here are a few proven suggestions:

Disregard your parent's age when making this decision. How old Mom or Dad is currently is of little importance ... the primary concern will be his/her abilities behind the steering wheel.

Enlist your loved one's doctor or the local police department. Such professionals are more frequently listened to than family caregivers.

Supply Mom or Dad a set of non-functioning car keys. This may seem a little devious; however, you can guarantee that the parental car will never leave the garage or driveway without your knowing about it.

Sell the parental car. List this privately or offer it to a second-hand vehicle dealer. When the time came for my mother to stop driving, I returned her (then new!) car to the dealer where she had purchased this just a couple of months prior. The dealer was delighted to take this car back as it remained in premium condition and had very low mileage.

Present your case as a collective body. If you can discuss this issue with other siblings present, do so. It may help you actually rehearse what you are going to say (role play!) and remember not to "gang up" on your parent.

Change your focus. Instead of arguing with Mom or Dad that they cannot drive anymore (an argument you will rarely win ...), approach the discussion more calmly. Explain that you are worried for their safety ... how can Mom or Dad disbelieve that?

Choosing a Long-Term Care Facility

Choosing a long-term care facility for your parent requires great care on your part. Understand first that all long-term care facilities throughout our country are not created equally; clarify that the property you are considering is appropriate for your own mother or father. To begin with, your parent(s) may function quite well living somewhat independentally; however, he/she may have to be moved into a continuing care property where more extensive care services will be provided. Although researching such facilities may be trying, you must physically tour these properties, ask questions and be comfortable with your own decision. Here are a few considerations to keep in mind:

Cost: Your parent's care may become very expensive. What does care cost at each property? Can this cost be subsidized, based on your parent's income? How much does extra care (i.e. a private room) add to the price?

Location: You and your family will want convenient access to visit. Consider the neighbourhood - is the facility close to shopping, a doctor's office, coffee shops and/or a park? If you are not driving, ensure that you can still easily access the facility by public transit (is this bus service more limited on evenings and/or weekends?). Family caregivers who own vehicles should evaluate the availability of visitor parking on-site.

Building appearance and upkeep: Scan the exterior of each facility as you approach it. Could the building use a fresh coat of paint? Do trees and/or hedges need trimming? In the wintertime, are the sidewalks cleared of ice and snow? When entering the facility, be aware of how clean it is. Are there any spills or unpleasant odors? By all means, explore the less-travelled areas (e.g. kitchens, public washrooms and/or stairwells) to confirm these are not ignored by either housekeeping or maintenance staff.

Care staff to resident ratio: How many care staff are on-duty during the day and how many residents is each responsible for? Note that the number of paid care staff can decline overnight when residents are likely sleeping. While assessing this ratio, also ask about the expertise of the staff. How familiar is the staff with your own parent's health condition?

Respecting Respite

Caregivers are recognized for the care they provide to others; however, they often overlook their own self-care in the process. Perhaps a caregiver feels that he/she is too busy to take a break or feels irresponsible for doing so. Taking some personal time is not a selfish act; it is, in fact, crucial for caregivers as a means to maintain their own good emotional, mental and physical health. The question often asked is, "How can you, as a caregiver, effectively and properly take care of a loved one when you fail to effectively and properly take care of yourself?"

Taking a break is called respite. You can do anything during this time, as long it is something you enjoy. This will be your own personal "me" time. Respite breaks do not have to be long or expensive ... here are three quick ideas:

Go for a Walk: There is nothing like fresh air and exercise to clear one's head. You don't even have to have a destination in-mind. By all means, do not use inclement weather as an excuse to not get outside. Walking has to be one of the simplest and most cost-effective means of exercise ... all you need is a good pair of shoes and you are ready to go.

Get Together with Friends: Note that I said "friends" here and not "family". Should you socialize with your family, the topic of conversation could easily swing back to parental issues. You will want to avoid this. Whatever you speak of with friends, make sure you dialogue about anything but your own caregiving responsibilities.

Read: Do not read up on your parent's health condition. Instead, choose your own favourite author or genre. When I was seeking respite time during my caregiving years, I always enjoyed curling in in my favourite coffee shop and reading the daily newspaper.

As you can see, planning respite breaks is not difficult. In fact, the easier you make your own respite time, the easier it will be to commit to this. Take an hour - regularly - for yourself. You will return to caregiving less stressed and far happier. Once again, taking time for you is not a selfish act.