Accessing Caregiving Help Should Not Be Like Playing "Hide and Go Seek"

Whenever I am doing book signings, I meet three specific groups of shoppers - those who are not caregivers (or ready to accept the fact this can become necessary), those are who are currently providing care to an aging loved one and those whose caregiving time has past (a loved one has since died). All of these individuals may need some kind of support - the prospective caregiver with pre-planning, the current caregiver with support and resources and the previous caregiver with grieving and moving on.

Support is out there; however, caregivers do not always reach out for it. This could be for any of reasons (or a combination of reasons). I have heard that "navigating the system" is complicated (and, as a former co-caregiver myself, I would certainly agree). As just an example, I well recall meeting with a woman to discuss senior's housing options ... after talking with her for close to an hour, I left with my head still spinning and being more confused than when I started. Accessing resources should be made easier ... I like the example set by the Alberta Caregivers Association which has a "Caregiver Advisor" on-staff. This woman's job is to refer caregivers to appropriate programs and services - thus making it far easier for caregivers to find the help they need.

In addition to not knowing what resources may be available to them, caregivers may also be hesitant to ask for help - doing so may indicate a sign of weakness. I wasn't always willing to reach out myself but am not sure whether this was from personal embarrassment or a reluctance to admit to others that both of my parents were declining. But those I did tell were very understanding. And, in fact, when I accepted help from others, my job of caregiving became far easier.

My message here is this - human beings have limitations. No matter how much we may feel able (or obligated) to take on anything and everything that comes our way, caregiving is a responsibility best shared. Whether you work with siblings, senior's associations or healthcare providers, take t easy on yourself. Find that help and ask for it.

Those Providing Care May Be the Last Ones to Ask for Care Themselves

A colleague of mine (who runs a caregiver's support group) called me today to ask me a question ... "Rick, how do you reach caregivers?" Relying on my marketing/promotions experience, I launched into explaining how I have utilized bookstore signings; newspaper, magazine and website stories and exhibiting at senior's shows. Turns out this wasn't what she was after, at all!

What she was looking for was not how to find caregivers, but how to get them to admit they may need help and support themselves when it comes to caring for an aging senior. Getting the word out about programs and services available can be done quite easily ... place an ad in a local publication, hang a poster or "tweet" the information out to the public. The more daunting task is having caregivers actually acknowledge they may need a helping hand. With her support group, for example, she has a pretty stable base of regular participants (who, after some time involved with the group, readily admit they have benefited) but she would like to attract some new members.

This got me thinking. Yes, caregivers often "go it alone" with helping a senior. Is it because they don't know what programs and services are available to them? Possibly, but I don't think so. Information is readily available through numerous means. Check the phone book to find listings of senior's resources in the local area. Ask questions of care professionals to learn a prognosis and get referrals for additional help. Surf the Internet to find a wealth of information on practically any subject desired. Google search the term "caregiving" and you'll get over 7,000,000 results! A more likely answer is that caregivers can feel obligated to act independently - I did this myself for some time with both my parents. Caregivers may feel that they can manage the responsibilities, but do not realize how much of a toll caregiving can take on one's own life until things become too much and overwhelming. One of the main issues is finding the time ... when you are working full-time (at 40 hours a week), where do you find the hours required to help Mom/Dad, spend quality time with your own family and/or kick back and do something for yourself?

Caregivers may also feel ashamed to ask for any outside help. Asking for a hand is not a sign of weakness but, instead, a sign of strength.

As our conversation continued, we concluded that our best approach would be to keep getting in front of caregivers to offer our help. The choice of whether to accept that support, however, remains with the caregiver. You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink. I find it ironic that a caregiver (who may need help and support) may well be the last person to actually ask for it!

If, and when, you become a caregiver, don't be shy to reach out to others. Both you and your loved one can benefit by your doing so.

When The Sky Turns Purple

Meaningful conversations with a senior with dementia can become a thing of the past. I remember Dad’s declining due to Alzheimer’s disease. In due course, Dad forgot all the details from his own life and could certainly not hold up his end of a discussion.

Without conversation, caregiving visits with a senior in long-term care may seem difficult and, perhaps, even boring. Despite this, I would encourage you to continue to spend time with your loved one and keep him/her talking – at whatever level he/she can. Talking about anything can help keep a senior involved and engaged. How can you do this? Try these tips:

Expect to start the conversation. Using a prompt can be beneficial here. Share current news from the daily newspaper and ask for thoughts. As an example, at the time of writing this blog entry, the Summer Olympics are winding down in London. Talking about the medal standings could generate questions like, “What was your favourite sport (as a spectator or a participant)?” or “Which sport would you like to try and why?” Aim to ask more open-ended questions (ones which require more than a simple “yes” or “no” answer). It may help to provide several prompts as conversation could become livelier about one topic rather than another.

Flip through a family photo album and remember the stories behind the pictures. It can sting deeply when Mom/Dad does not recall the memories or cannot correctly identify the people in the pictures. In this case, resist arguing with or correcting Mom/Dad … trust me, this only leads to unneeded frustration for all parties involved and becomes pointless, as well. If the senior thinks the sky is purple, the sky is, indeed, purple!

Recall stories from the past. Humorous stories can work well as, even if the details are forgotten, the experiences can still be funny to laugh about.

When discussion becomes impossible (Dad lost his ability to speak), do your best to continue talking with your loved one. I resorted to reading out loud and understood that even hearing a person’s voice can be soothing.