Getting Back on Track after a Loved One’s Death

With bow in hand, an archer loads an arrow, carefully aims at the target, pulls back the bowstring and shoots. Caregivers can follow a comparable process. When a loved one is alive, you direct much of your time, energy and attention directly at him/her (similar to aiming an arrow at the target). However, when that person passes away (or when the target is moved away), where does this leave you?

Following a loved one’s death, there can be a tremendous void in your life. While tending to the needs (whether physical, emotional, spiritual or financial) of an aging parent/friend/spouse, you may have ignored your own family, reduced your working hours or not participated in any favourite hobbies due to an apparent lack of time and/or energy for months or even years. You may have completely lived and breathed your own caregiving job. Trust me, as a former caregiver, this can be a very easy thing to do yet it becomes one of the hardest habits to break.

One of the biggest problems when a loved one is gone is refocusing on you. While there were plenty of days when I wandered aimlessly following my father’s death, I soon came to realize that while Dad was gone, life – for me – must continue. The same can be said for you. With that said, however, getting back on track both personally and professionally may not be an easy thing to accomplish. Here is some of my advice for you to remember when/if this happens to you:

Take Time to Grieve. I heard this upon my father’s death and have often repeated these comforting words to other caregivers. Grieving is a personal process and can never be rushed. What happens when you hurry through a job? You, typically, overlook a step or two or even deliver a sub-par result. You must allow yourself time to fully heal (whether it be five months or five years …) before you can best move on.

Remember What was Important to You. Before you became a caregiver, did you once enjoy taking long walks? Reading? Going to hockey games? Visiting farmer’s markets or antique stores? Whatever your past pleasure was, try reintroducing yourself to this (even on a smaller scale) and you can benefit.

Open New Doors. While Mom and Dad were alive, I used writing as a coping mechanism. With a number of my stories being published, I earned more of a reputation for being knowledgeable in the area of eldercare. After my parent’s passing, my caregiving stories and experience led to my writing of a more detailed book on the subject – this was something I would have never envisioned doing (nor would have had the time to do) while my parent’s remained alive. Whether you dream small, large or somewhere in between, explore new opportunities. Learn a new language. Practice yoga. Float skyward on a hot air balloon ride. Take a cake decorating class. Walk on different ground; tread in different water.

Reintroduce Yourself to Your Own Family and Friends. With a caregiver’s centre of attention being an aging senior, often he/she neglects his/her own family and/or friends. These will be the people who were and will remain important in your life. Get the family together for dinner or catch up with a friend over lunch – doing either can do you a world of good!

Keep a Few Mementoes. By all means, save a few special keepsakes. I, for one, have my father’s favourite hiking hat and a collection of smaller objects which have found a new home on the sill of my home office’s window. This way, they are frequently in sight; however, they are not overwhelming. You may be tempted to also keep larger objects, but I would recommend resisting this urge. Your own attic, garage or spare bedroom can be much better used than to storehouse Mom/Dad’s old furniture. Off-site paid storage can be an option, but the monthly charge for a secured locker can skyrocket.

When Dad was in his late stages of Alzheimer’s disease, he no longer could enjoy his vast collection of CDs. Resisting the urge to inherit these for my own music library, I, instead, sold them to a local second-hand music shop. Making a few dollars off the sale and turning the profit back to Dad was not that important. Removing the reminder of Dad would prove to be far more valuable.

Seek Counselling. I have heard a number of stories from caregivers who joined a support group when their loved one was alive and now remain with the group even after that loved one’s death. Former caregivers can find support, understanding and encouragement through participating in a circle of this kind. If need be, consider a higher level of counseling … talking about your loss with a psychologist behind closed doors can help you manage through a very traumatic and often life-changing experience.

Slow Down. Following a loved one’s passing away, you may well be tempted to work harder and faster so as to distract you. Doing so is only a bandage solution; your feelings of grief must be allowed to come out, be addressed and be properly dealt with.

Volunteer. Giving back to the community can be another option. Using your own skills and experiences to help others can help heal old wounds. Volunteer opportunities can be advertised in your local newspaper, but don’t stop there! Does your city/town have a Volunteer Action Centre which can offer placements? Call on local non-profit associations/hospitals/churches/agencies of interest and offer to lend a hand.

Accept the Death. Encountering sadness and depression can be perfectly natural. These are human emotions; both are standard to feel at such at a time. Walk this walk for as long as necessary, but, in time, reframe your loved one’s passing to be more positive – perhaps Mom/Dad was sick and death prevented long-term suffering. By recognizing and admitting that Mom/Dad is now is a better place, you are better able to reach a higher level of personal peace and acceptance.

My best advice? As death is imminent, a caregiver should start taking steps to reestablish his/her own personal focus before a loved one dies. By doing so, the transition will become easier and you will not be left scrambling and feeling lost or alone.

As a caregiver, you may well experience intense anguish after a loved one passes away. Without wanting to sound harsh, after a loved one dies, you will now have more time for yourself. For your own health and well-being, work through what you need to; however, you can also pull that target back into place and now focus on a much-different (and not to mention, very important) “bulls-eye” – you.