Three Ideas to Provide Care from a Distance

A good friend of mine was driving an hour and a half each week to visit her mother, who lived in a distant city. This may not seem like much; however, consider that hour and a half becomes three hours for the round trip and this accounts for a good percentage of each day. Travelling time is just one of the many problems associated with caregiving from a distance ... even a seemingly short distance, when driven regularly, can snowball to become dramatic.

If your parents live elsewhere, you can expect to still visit occasionally; however, there are many things you can do from your own home base, thus saving on time, fuel costs and unnecessary wear and tear on your vehicle. Here are a number of my recommendations:

1) Connect with your parent's friends and neighbours. Share phone numbers/e-mail addresses. A person living right next door to your parents can become a trusted source of information. He/she can become that critical extra set of eyes and ears and provide updates to you on a regular basis.

2) Look at volunteer opportunities for your parents. Should Mom and/or Dad remain competent, they can help out with a needy cause. When my parents were living at a distance from me, they volunteered for the local Meals-on-Wheels program (which provides pre-cooked meals to those who are housebound). Doing this benefitted my parents in several ways: they remained active (both personally and in the community), they got to learn their way around their (then-new) retirement home, they felt involved and they met other city residents.

3) Hire part-time help. Can you employ a local individual to do some light cooking and/or cleaning for your parents? Perhaps someone could mow the lawn or shovel the walks? Maybe someone could even come in once or twice per week to accompany your parent out on an hour-long walk? Having someone in place for even a couple of hours per week will help you and your parent. And the best part? When you come to visit, you can send your care worker out on necessary errands. This will free up your time and you can spend more quality hours with your parent - and isn't that what matters the most?

Working with the Family

You may have bickered incessently with your own brother or sister when growing up; however, when it comes to caregiving, there is nothing like having a sibling to share the work load. Caregiving can easily become overwhelming for anyone - it just makes sense to delegate. I feel fortunate that I have two sisters; when it came time for us to help our parents, our trio worked quite well together.

Having an open conversation about all of this will help. Discuss specific roles with eachother ... identify who will do what. Obviously, if a family member has an interest or experience in a certain area, he/she will be drawn to that area. Let this happen, by all means. It simply makes the most sense for someone to utilize his/her strengths effectively. If a family member feels uncomfortable with serving in a certain position, do not force this upon him/her. This typically leads to resentful caregivers - something you definitely do not need. If there is a caregiving chore which is being ignored by everybody, can you find someone else to do this instead? Another option would be to share those disliked duties amongst the family so that each sibling takes a turn.

Check in with your siblings regarding your own workload regularly. Are you comfortable with doing what you are doing? Is this becoming too unmanageable?

I must give special recognition to the only children in this world - those without brothers or sisters. Caregiving for only children can become even more arduous, as they have no immediate support system. In this case, only children must become even more aware of outside individuals, businesses and services available to help them. Remember, whether you have siblings or are an only child, seek respite time. Getting away from the situation is necessary. You cannot do it all.

Parking the Car - Permanently

It is one of the most contentious issues between an aging parent and a family caregiver ... driving. Just when should a senior give up the car keys?

Legally, one must consider one's own provincial/territorial legislation - part of which will be to ensure public safety on all public roads and highways. Emotionally, it is a completely different matter! After a lifetime of driving a much-loved vehicle, seniors don't often feel obliging to simply parking the car - permanently. However, for the safety of your parent, yourself and other motorists and pedestrians, you must step in.

Depending on your own city / town, there are often numerous transportation alternatives for a senior: family members acting as chaffeurs, taxis, public transit and senior's driving services. You must seek out these options and convince your parent that these are viable choices. Expect your parent to remain stubborn - winning this argument is much like a parent convincing a child to finish eating his/her vegetables. This will take both resourcefulness and creativity on your part. If you need some help getting started, here are a few proven suggestions:

Disregard your parent's age when making this decision. How old Mom or Dad is currently is of little importance ... the primary concern will be his/her abilities behind the steering wheel.

Enlist your loved one's doctor or the local police department. Such professionals are more frequently listened to than family caregivers.

Supply Mom or Dad a set of non-functioning car keys. This may seem a little devious; however, you can guarantee that the parental car will never leave the garage or driveway without your knowing about it.

Sell the parental car. List this privately or offer it to a second-hand vehicle dealer. When the time came for my mother to stop driving, I returned her (then new!) car to the dealer where she had purchased this just a couple of months prior. The dealer was delighted to take this car back as it remained in premium condition and had very low mileage.

Present your case as a collective body. If you can discuss this issue with other siblings present, do so. It may help you actually rehearse what you are going to say (role play!) and remember not to "gang up" on your parent.

Change your focus. Instead of arguing with Mom or Dad that they cannot drive anymore (an argument you will rarely win ...), approach the discussion more calmly. Explain that you are worried for their safety ... how can Mom or Dad disbelieve that?