Accessing Caregiving Help Should Not Be Like Playing "Hide and Go Seek"

Whenever I am doing book signings, I meet three specific groups of shoppers - those who are not caregivers (or ready to accept the fact this can become necessary), those are who are currently providing care to an aging loved one and those whose caregiving time has past (a loved one has since died). All of these individuals may need some kind of support - the prospective caregiver with pre-planning, the current caregiver with support and resources and the previous caregiver with grieving and moving on.

Support is out there; however, caregivers do not always reach out for it. This could be for any of reasons (or a combination of reasons). I have heard that "navigating the system" is complicated (and, as a former co-caregiver myself, I would certainly agree). As just an example, I well recall meeting with a woman to discuss senior's housing options ... after talking with her for close to an hour, I left with my head still spinning and being more confused than when I started. Accessing resources should be made easier ... I like the example set by the Alberta Caregivers Association which has a "Caregiver Advisor" on-staff. This woman's job is to refer caregivers to appropriate programs and services - thus making it far easier for caregivers to find the help they need.

In addition to not knowing what resources may be available to them, caregivers may also be hesitant to ask for help - doing so may indicate a sign of weakness. I wasn't always willing to reach out myself but am not sure whether this was from personal embarrassment or a reluctance to admit to others that both of my parents were declining. But those I did tell were very understanding. And, in fact, when I accepted help from others, my job of caregiving became far easier.

My message here is this - human beings have limitations. No matter how much we may feel able (or obligated) to take on anything and everything that comes our way, caregiving is a responsibility best shared. Whether you work with siblings, senior's associations or healthcare providers, take t easy on yourself. Find that help and ask for it.

Those Providing Care May Be the Last Ones to Ask for Care Themselves

A colleague of mine (who runs a caregiver's support group) called me today to ask me a question ... "Rick, how do you reach caregivers?" Relying on my marketing/promotions experience, I launched into explaining how I have utilized bookstore signings; newspaper, magazine and website stories and exhibiting at senior's shows. Turns out this wasn't what she was after, at all!

What she was looking for was not how to find caregivers, but how to get them to admit they may need help and support themselves when it comes to caring for an aging senior. Getting the word out about programs and services available can be done quite easily ... place an ad in a local publication, hang a poster or "tweet" the information out to the public. The more daunting task is having caregivers actually acknowledge they may need a helping hand. With her support group, for example, she has a pretty stable base of regular participants (who, after some time involved with the group, readily admit they have benefited) but she would like to attract some new members.

This got me thinking. Yes, caregivers often "go it alone" with helping a senior. Is it because they don't know what programs and services are available to them? Possibly, but I don't think so. Information is readily available through numerous means. Check the phone book to find listings of senior's resources in the local area. Ask questions of care professionals to learn a prognosis and get referrals for additional help. Surf the Internet to find a wealth of information on practically any subject desired. Google search the term "caregiving" and you'll get over 7,000,000 results! A more likely answer is that caregivers can feel obligated to act independently - I did this myself for some time with both my parents. Caregivers may feel that they can manage the responsibilities, but do not realize how much of a toll caregiving can take on one's own life until things become too much and overwhelming. One of the main issues is finding the time ... when you are working full-time (at 40 hours a week), where do you find the hours required to help Mom/Dad, spend quality time with your own family and/or kick back and do something for yourself?

Caregivers may also feel ashamed to ask for any outside help. Asking for a hand is not a sign of weakness but, instead, a sign of strength.

As our conversation continued, we concluded that our best approach would be to keep getting in front of caregivers to offer our help. The choice of whether to accept that support, however, remains with the caregiver. You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink. I find it ironic that a caregiver (who may need help and support) may well be the last person to actually ask for it!

If, and when, you become a caregiver, don't be shy to reach out to others. Both you and your loved one can benefit by your doing so.

When The Sky Turns Purple

Meaningful conversations with a senior with dementia can become a thing of the past. I remember Dad’s declining due to Alzheimer’s disease. In due course, Dad forgot all the details from his own life and could certainly not hold up his end of a discussion.

Without conversation, caregiving visits with a senior in long-term care may seem difficult and, perhaps, even boring. Despite this, I would encourage you to continue to spend time with your loved one and keep him/her talking – at whatever level he/she can. Talking about anything can help keep a senior involved and engaged. How can you do this? Try these tips:

Expect to start the conversation. Using a prompt can be beneficial here. Share current news from the daily newspaper and ask for thoughts. As an example, at the time of writing this blog entry, the Summer Olympics are winding down in London. Talking about the medal standings could generate questions like, “What was your favourite sport (as a spectator or a participant)?” or “Which sport would you like to try and why?” Aim to ask more open-ended questions (ones which require more than a simple “yes” or “no” answer). It may help to provide several prompts as conversation could become livelier about one topic rather than another.

Flip through a family photo album and remember the stories behind the pictures. It can sting deeply when Mom/Dad does not recall the memories or cannot correctly identify the people in the pictures. In this case, resist arguing with or correcting Mom/Dad … trust me, this only leads to unneeded frustration for all parties involved and becomes pointless, as well. If the senior thinks the sky is purple, the sky is, indeed, purple!

Recall stories from the past. Humorous stories can work well as, even if the details are forgotten, the experiences can still be funny to laugh about.

When discussion becomes impossible (Dad lost his ability to speak), do your best to continue talking with your loved one. I resorted to reading out loud and understood that even hearing a person’s voice can be soothing.

In answer to the rising numbers of Canadian seniors reported by Statistics Canada, this Letter to the Editor begged to be written ...

Many shades of grey

 

 

By Rick Lauber, June 3, 2012

 

 

Can you sweep over five million seniors under the carpet and forget about them? Let's hope not.
The recent report from Statistics Canada proves we are an aging country. The official count shows that of our 33.5 million residents, just over five million are 65 years or older ... that's a lot of grey hair.
This ever-rising statistic not only affects seniors but their caregivers - either adult children, friends or a spouse. Caregivers can be called upon to honour final requests, provide transportation, manage finances, give medication, serve as an advocate, help feed a senior and so on.
As a former co-caregiver for both of my parents, I did all of these jobs and more.
Furthermore, a family caregiver may have little to no related experience in health care, banking, law or social work to draw from.
A caregiver's life can easily be turned upside down, affecting him or her personally and professionally.
Seniors and their caregivers demand the utmost respect and the best quality of life available. Let's put away the broom and start listening.
Rick Lauber 

Advocating for a Senior

How would you feel if you could not speak or function for yourself? Frustrated? Angry? Confused? This is exactly what happens with many seniors who cannot manage their own affairs. At such times, others must become actively involved to ensure the senior receives the best care and quality of life possible. My own father lost not only his memories but also his ability to talk due to Alzheimer’s disease. This left me to serve as his eyes, ears and voice and to advocate for him.

Advocating, while sounding complex and daunting, doesn’t have to be. Here are just a few of my recommendations, taken from my personal caregiving experience:

Apply for Guardianship or Trusteeship: These are legal processes which allow someone to manage a dependent adult’s affairs. Please note that Guardianship and Trusteeship are NOT one and the same thing … Guardianship will allow you to manage a senior’s personal affairs (i.e. accommodation, care providers, etc.) while Trusteeship will allow you to manage a senior’s financial affairs. Having Guardianship does not automatically grant you Trusteeship and vice versa. If considering either option, my best advice here is to get legal counsel; doing so will better ensure that all the “I’s” are dotted and “T’s’ are crossed correctly. As a Guardian or Trustee, it can be a good idea to keep spare copies of the court orders handy (maybe even scan and save these on your computer at home so you can print off a copy, whenever required).

Ask Questions: Of doctors, lawyers, bankers, financial planners, pharmacists, social workers and anybody else involved with your loved one’s care. Remember when advocating for a senior, there is no such thing as a foolish question and clarifying information provided has to be one of the easiest things to do. Ask until you completely understand and don’t let any matter escape without being fully explained. As a former co-caregiver, I made it a practice to always carry a notebook and pen to every appointment I would accompany Mom and/Dad to. I noted responses and returned to these later to ensure complete understanding. You could also carry a small digital tape recorder in your car. Take a few moments immediately following each appointment (so that you don’t miss anything), to record thoughts and/or comments shared.

Peer Into the Parental Closet: You’re not looking for any skeletons here! Instead, you are examining how well the long-term care staff cleans the area (it may be an easy spot to be “out-of-sight’ and “out-of-mind”). While your parent’s room may be swept and mopped regularly, unhealthy germs can still collect in a dirty closet and pose risk to your loved one. Don’t just stop at glancing into the closet(s)! Look at the care facility’s public washroom, stairwells and foodservice areas as well.

Plan Sporadic Visits: Years ago, when Dad was still alive, I would stop in to see him every Sunday afternoon, like clockwork, to see him. But I certainly didn’t stop there! My visits also came at intermittent times throughout the week as well. Through my random visits, I felt better able to see any inconsistencies with my father’s care (or even the care of other residents). Schedule a visit or two around resident meal time. Breakfast, lunch or dinner can be a hectic time at a care facility … is your loved one eating a full meal and/or getting any help necessary?

Monitor Your Loved One’s Appearance: While you may not have the necessary medical experience to completely diagnose a physical problem, it can be quite easy to observe a person in any discomfort. Watch for pained facial expressions, limping, unsteadiness or unexplained bruising. In addition, does Mom/Dad get a regular bath? This is vital for a person’s own hygiene and comfort. I also routinely examined my father’s chin stubble to confirm he had been shaved.

Insist on Regular Updates: Keep the communication lines between you and your loved one’s care facility open. If Mom/Dad needs to be moved to a different room for any reason or requires a change in medical prescription, you’ll want to know. Provide all means of available contact (i.e. landline phone, cellular phone, e-mail, etc.) so you can be reached at any time.

Meet with Long-Term Care Facility Management: At Dad’s long-term care facility, my family was able to schedule meetings with the facility management to talk about Dad’s health, pose questions and, if necessary, air grievances. Should there be any issues raised, take steps to better protect you and your loved one and create a paper trail. Following each meeting with long-term care management, write a letter reiterating what has been discussed and when. Include any advice/plan of action suggested. Mail/E-mail a copy while keeping a copy for your own files. If no such arrangement exists for you, speak up and make a recommendation. Talk to other family caregivers who may echo your thoughts.

Finding Joy in Caregiving

It can be the poor quality of food in a restaurant, the cold weather outside or the slow customer service in a store. Humans naturally complain about many things, rather than compliment. It is human nature to prefer to share the bad news over the good, and caregiving is no different.

When providing eldercare for an aging parent, spouse or friend, many negative feelings, including anger, grief, regret, frustration and sadness can easily bubble to the surface. These emotions are the ones typically talked about and associated with caregiving and for good reason - they are both difficult and undeniable. No matter what level of eldercare you are providing and who you are caring for, one must remember that there are also numerous benefits to providing eldercare – many of these may never fully realized until after a person has passed away. Here are just a few positive examples:

Increased Time Management Skills: There is nothing like looking after another individual’s needs to help you with your own time management. You may learn to allow more time for certain appointments to allow you and your aging parent more opportunity to reach these offices or book neighbouring appointments located within the same vicinity on the same afternoon (so as to keep driving time to a minimum). You may also gain a better understanding of how much allotted time is necessary for tasks. What can be done in 20 minutes and what needs a couple of hours to complete?

Better Organizational Abilities: Similar to the above, working hands-on with an aging senior can improve your own organizational abilities. When faced with juggling the many associated tasks, along with the balancing act required with your own life and family, providing eldercare can help you become a far better multi-tasker. For example, I moved from using sticky notes for everything to developing a dedicated filing system for my parents’ needs. Taking this one step further, I even colour-coded the files … blue for healthcare, red for financial and so on – trust me, this was a far better system!

Enhanced Family Dynamics: Should you be working with siblings while providing eldercare, doing this can create an excellent opportunity to better bond with a brother or sister. Improved communications between siblings is another related aspect here … you must learn to compromise for the sake of your parent. Remember, when the family is arguing about Mom or Dad’s personal affairs, nothing gets done. Caregiving can become a family’s greatest gift, in the fact that, by sharing the workload, you may better bond with a sibling.

Improved Relationships with the Senior: Decreasing physical and mental health doesn’t have to be a drawback. My own father’s Alzheimer’s disease, for example, allowed me to become closer with him. Dad was always an intensely private man; however, his dementia knocked down those protective walls he had built up around him and allowed me in. For the first time ever, I was able to hug Dad and hear his approval. If your parent remains able to communicate, he/she may open up to you and tell you about issues once held private.

Increased Self-Awareness: Just what are your own capabilities as a caregiver? When helping an aging senior, there is no shortage of accompanying responsibilities. You may provide day-to-day support as a Guardian or report on financial matters as a Trustee. You may shuttle Mom or Dad to doctor’s appointments, pick up medications, offer a manicure/pedicure or provide your parent a bath. When you can accomplish something (specifically something outside your own comfort zone), it can make you a stronger and more self-confident individual.

A Better Realization of What is Most Important: Providing care to a senior can be overwhelming at times. When you can delegate caring to another individual, you can take a break for yourself. Even if this is only 30 minutes having coffee with a good friend or soaking in a soothing bubble bath, you may be able to stop and provide yourself some much-needed self-care. With recognizing how important self-care is, you may be better able to continue to practice this in the future. 

A Sense of Payback: After so many years of Mom or Dad caring for you, you may feel pleased to now return the favour. Do not consider this as your “obligation” … instead, consider this as your “right”.

So, yes, there are irrefutable negatives associated with caregiving; however, as you can see, there are also many joys. When you reserve that dinner table at a new restaurant, step outside on a chilly winter’s day or go shopping, you should be looking ahead with anticipation, rather than dread. Do right by your mother, father, friend or spouse and know the same can be said for providing eldercare.

Personal Caring Often Neglected by Caregivers

Finding more “me” time when caring for a loved one may sound impossible; however, for your own health and well-being, this must be done on a regular basis.

As a former co-caregiver for both of my aging parents, I well recall how consuming the task was – I focused much of my own time, energy and resources on Mom and Dad. In the process, I completely overlooked my own needs. As a result, I felt increased stress, suffered from poor personal health, became more irritable, did not eat well and so on. Chances are that you will understand and relate to many of these symptoms.

While still concentrating on my caregiving responsibilities, I began to step back occasionally. Walking and writing were two of my favourite pastimes – I don’t know if I put more miles on my hiking boots or my computer keyboard! By allowing some time for “me”, I could recharge my caregiving batteries and could return to the job at-hand with increased energy while not risking my own health.

All fine and good, you might say, but how does one find more “me” time to enjoy? It’s a good concept, in theory, but there are only 24 hours in a day and much of that is spoken for already with your own caregiving responsibilities. Here are a few ideas that might help you:

Schedule “me” time: Log this in your daytimer and indicate what you plan to do and when you plan to do it. Seeing something on-paper makes it more of a commitment. My advice is to start small – maybe 15 minutes to walk around the neighbourhood or sit and sip your morning coffee in peace and quiet before you start your busy day.

Say “No”: Know that you don’t have to agree to every single thing that comes your way. If you remain unsure and/or don’t want to hurt anybody else’s feelings, then try replying with “I’d like to get back to you about this … can we talk about it more in a few days?” Allow yourself some time to better consider the request and decide whether or not you can, realistically, accept it.

Create personal space. Look around in your own home. Can you find a room (or even a corner) to call your own? When things become overwhelming, you can seek out this space to collect your thoughts. Obviously, privacy can be better found if your space has a door which you can close; however, you can insist that your family respects your own time. Young kids who often get served “time out” sentences may just get a kick out of hearing that Mom/Dad needs one instead!

Turn off the cell phone: Chances are that there will be nothing that pressing that can’t wait for an hour or so. Take that time to do something for yourself instead.

Share the work load: It’s very true that many hands make light work. Even is someone in your family may not be providing any hands-on care for an aging parent, he/she can still help out in other ways (perhaps picking up the kids after school, going grocery-shopping or chipping in to wash the dishes after dinner). When someone else can help out, this will allow you to have more “me” time to wind down.

Buy an electronic reader: Reading is a great way to recharge; however, you may not want to carry a bulky book around with you all the time. An electronic reader provides an excellent alternative as it can easily and inconspicuously slide in to a jacket pocket – making it far more portable as well as an excellent “escape” when you can steal a few minutes away from caregiving.

Taking time out for yourself may seem like an insurmountable challenge; however , by doing so, you can become a better caregiver

Experiencing Grief to Relief

Hearing the news from Canadian Living that they had accepted my article on dealing with Alzheimer's and providing the best care possible was both exciting and flattering! They have since posted the following on their Health & Wellness section of their website:

Experiencing Grief to Relief …

Caring for a Parent with Alzheimer’s disease

By Rick Lauber

I often say that I lost Dad twice – once when he forgot who I was and once when he died. With Alzheimer’s disease, Dad had precious memories stolen from him – family, friends, career and even what weekday it was all became foreign. Watching Dad decline had both immensely difficult and challenging moments, but caregiving for him also provided great joy.

Hearing the diagnosis was alarming. My family had to face that Dad would imminently forget all details from his life. Past the prescription of Aricept (suggested to stall the symptoms), there was nothing I could do but accept the terrible truth: to-date, no cure for Alzheimer’s has been found. Progressing to parenting a parent was stressful for me – I acquired many unexpected responsibilities, including banking, driving Dad to doctor’s appointments and serving as Dad’s Guardian and Alternate Trustee. I helped move him three times in his final years living in Edmonton, picked up medications and regularly visited him. At 40 years old, I was single but had plenty on my plate – a job, post-secondary classes and family responsibilities. Managing Dad’s life and my own life became an all-consuming juggling act and I frequently prioritized Dad’s needs ahead of my own.

While our father-son relationship was never strained, Dad was always emotionally reserved. This used to upset me; however, his Alzheimer’s disease was a blessing in disguise. With his condition, Dad’s emotional wall came down; as a result, I got to know him much better. Dad was a gentle, caring man who was simply quiet by nature. Other unanticipated benefits included my forging a stronger relationship with my two sisters (who also helped with Dad’s care), becoming more organized and learning more about my own capabilities.

If and when you become a caregiver in the months or years ahead, prepare as much as possible (learn about the specific health condition, make key decisions with other family members, tour appropriate long-term care centres, etc.); take respite and ask for help when needed.

Rick Lauber is the author of Caregiver’s Guide for Canadians – a valuable resource for individuals providing eldercare. The book is available at national Chapter’s bookstores as well as on-line at http://www.self-counsel.com/default/caregiver-s-guide-for-canadians.html.. For further information, please visit www.caregiversguideforcanadians.com.

Making Sense of the National Census

According to the recently-released statistics from Canada’s 2011 National Census, our country’s population count has jumped by over two million people. In 2006, Canada had 31.6 residents; this number has now increased to 33.5 million (a national growth rate of 5.9 per cent). We are a country which is practically busting out at the seams. According to Statistics Canada, this is just the first of multiple reports … the next portion of our national head count (focusing on “Age and Sex” of residents) will be made public on, or after, May 29^th, 2012.

While it is interesting to note our population’s increase, I am more concerned in the forthcoming numbers. A safe presumption, considering our country’s aging baby boomers, will be that the amount of seniors (those over 65 years old) will also rise dramatically. Yes, this is an assumption on my part; however, I do feel confident with saying this. With the expected rise in Canadian seniors, there will be a rise in the number of informal family caregivers. I must also question if our country’s current health care system can properly handle the ever-growing issue.

But this is not intended to be a rant on our country’s health care system (we can save that for another day …). If it wasn’t obvious enough already, people do age. With the influx of new Canadian residents, there will come a day when there will be even more seniors living in our country. These people will grow older; this is the natural course of life. Aging cannot be ignored. We cannot simply casually sweep the matter under the nearest carpet, shelve our country’s seniors or stack them high in a corner like moving boxes. Seniors are living, breathing people deserving of love, proper medical and personal care and attention.

How does this affect you? If you are not a caregiver already, you can expect to fill those shoes in the months or years ahead with supporting an aging parent/friend/partner. When considering this fact, it will be important for you to prepare (and maybe even buckle your seatbelt tightly as you may be in for a rough ride …). Know that the job is far more difficult when you try to do this independently. In your pre-planning stage, take a look at your own social circle. Approach these individuals (whether they are siblings, friends, neighbours, members of your church congregation and so on) and ask for their help. You’ve heard the term, “many hands make light work” … this is very true. When you delegate others to help, caregiving becomes an easier task. This is just one helpful way to lighten your own load.

I do not want you to dread those caregiving times ahead. Just consider this a word of caution. With preparing, you will be far better set to provide better care to your loved one. I, for one, was caught totally unexpected when both of my parents were diagnosed with serious health conditions (Mom had Parkinson’s disease and Leukemia while Dad had Alzheimer’s disease). Mom and Dad, I thought, were the pictures of good health. Foolish me! I have since realized this was completely wrong. With a little time, effort and pre-planning on my part for all of this, I would not have scrambled so much. If you are a caregiver currently, I expect you will understand all of this all too well.

So, until the additional tallies are done by Statistics Canada, we will not be able to – concretely – prove all of this just yet anyways. However, when those numbers are made public, it will verify that, not only is our country growing in size, it is getting older as well.

For more information on the just-released national census, please check out http://news.nationalpost.com/2012/02/08/canada-census-2011-canadas-leads-g8-in-growth-population-hits-33-5-million/.

Buy Yourself Some Chocolates

Happy Valentine's Day! Caregivers - why not buy YOURSELF some chocolates to share the love and to reward yourself for all of the hard work that you do?

It may seem pointless; however, there is a good reason for doing so. Caregivers who take some time for themselves can make for better caregivers. I know what you are thinking ... you've got to take Mom/Dad to the doctor today, have to pick up that parental prescription, pop into the long-term care centre to visit, meet with Mom/Dad's banker to discuss investment strategies and so on ... as a former caregiver, I know the list of caregiving responsibilities can seem never-ending! And these jobs will all take priority. I'm not, by any means, suggesting that you drop everything that you are doing ... I am simply recommending that you focus a bit on yourself during these weeks, months or even years.

When you are caregiving, much of your own time, energy and even resources are devoted towards a loved one. But let's face facts ... human beings have their limitations (if only I could have had a pair of form-fitting blue "Super Caregiver" tights to slip into when required ...). We only have two arms and two legs and can have other needs as well. One of those most basic needs is rest. While it may be difficult to stop your mind from churning about what is going on with Mom/Dad and actually sleep, just laying down on the couch, closing your eyes and breathing deeply can help you relax.

It doesn't have to be chocolates. Any type of small indulgence or small break away from your own caregiving tasks can help to work wonders. By doing something nice for yourself, you are remembering your own self-care - along with the care you help to provide a loved one.

Looking at Caregiving Strengths and Weaknesses

Have you given some thought as to what being a caregiver would ever look like or how you could help an aging parent/friend/spouse? To this end, it is important to conduct a thorough self-assessment of your own strengths and weaknesses. Ask yourself some pointed questions. "What can I do to help?" "Where do I need some outside help?" "What would I rather not do?"

Analyzing, understanding and accepting your own strengths and weaknesses plays a large role for prospective and current caregivers. If you cannot do something (perhaps by lack of experience) or choose not to do something (perhaps by lack of comfort), be straightforward about all of this now, rather than later. Human resource managers typically ask such questions of potential job candidates ... they do so to filter through the applications to ensure they choose the best candidate for the job. While you can always learn a new skill, it is much more time and cost-effective for you to begin that new job with the necessary knowledge or previous experience. HR managers can appreciate enthusiasm from a new hire; however, they also appreciate someone who can "hit the ground running" with a new position.

I well remember hesitating to give both my parents much in the way of "hands-on" care (bathing, dressing, medication delivery, etc). While I could - and would have done so, if called upon - I was not fully prepared to do so. With my complete lack of background practical healthcare experience, I knew that any attempts, on my part to help, may become far more dangerous than safe. Bathtubs, for example, can become very slippery for a senior already unsteady on his/her feet. Unless one knows how to - properly - support a bathing senior, this would be risky.

Instead, I found many other ways to help. I was granted signing authority on Mom and Dad's joint bank account and paid their monthly bills. I helped pack their belongings and move them to more appropriate care facilities. I picked up and delivered medications from the local pharmacy. I shuttled my parents to and from doctor's appointments. With Dad's Alzheimer's disease diagnosis, I became his Joint Guardian and Alternate Trustee.

When looking at your own caregiving strengths and weaknesses, you can also borrow a lesson taught in business marketing courses. In addition to analyzing their own strengths and weaknesses, potential entrepreneurs are encouraged to investigate opportunities before opening up shop. A business opportunity, for example, could be for a book store to combine with a coffee shop (here, two retailers can combine and profit while providing more of an incentive for customers to shop there). With caregiving, can you also "joint venture" with someone to help provide the best care for your loved one?

Getting Back on Track after a Loved One’s Death

With bow in hand, an archer loads an arrow, carefully aims at the target, pulls back the bowstring and shoots. Caregivers can follow a comparable process. When a loved one is alive, you direct much of your time, energy and attention directly at him/her (similar to aiming an arrow at the target). However, when that person passes away (or when the target is moved away), where does this leave you?

Following a loved one’s death, there can be a tremendous void in your life. While tending to the needs (whether physical, emotional, spiritual or financial) of an aging parent/friend/spouse, you may have ignored your own family, reduced your working hours or not participated in any favourite hobbies due to an apparent lack of time and/or energy for months or even years. You may have completely lived and breathed your own caregiving job. Trust me, as a former caregiver, this can be a very easy thing to do yet it becomes one of the hardest habits to break.

One of the biggest problems when a loved one is gone is refocusing on you. While there were plenty of days when I wandered aimlessly following my father’s death, I soon came to realize that while Dad was gone, life – for me – must continue. The same can be said for you. With that said, however, getting back on track both personally and professionally may not be an easy thing to accomplish. Here is some of my advice for you to remember when/if this happens to you:

Take Time to Grieve. I heard this upon my father’s death and have often repeated these comforting words to other caregivers. Grieving is a personal process and can never be rushed. What happens when you hurry through a job? You, typically, overlook a step or two or even deliver a sub-par result. You must allow yourself time to fully heal (whether it be five months or five years …) before you can best move on.

Remember What was Important to You. Before you became a caregiver, did you once enjoy taking long walks? Reading? Going to hockey games? Visiting farmer’s markets or antique stores? Whatever your past pleasure was, try reintroducing yourself to this (even on a smaller scale) and you can benefit.

Open New Doors. While Mom and Dad were alive, I used writing as a coping mechanism. With a number of my stories being published, I earned more of a reputation for being knowledgeable in the area of eldercare. After my parent’s passing, my caregiving stories and experience led to my writing of a more detailed book on the subject – this was something I would have never envisioned doing (nor would have had the time to do) while my parent’s remained alive. Whether you dream small, large or somewhere in between, explore new opportunities. Learn a new language. Practice yoga. Float skyward on a hot air balloon ride. Take a cake decorating class. Walk on different ground; tread in different water.

Reintroduce Yourself to Your Own Family and Friends. With a caregiver’s centre of attention being an aging senior, often he/she neglects his/her own family and/or friends. These will be the people who were and will remain important in your life. Get the family together for dinner or catch up with a friend over lunch – doing either can do you a world of good!

Keep a Few Mementoes. By all means, save a few special keepsakes. I, for one, have my father’s favourite hiking hat and a collection of smaller objects which have found a new home on the sill of my home office’s window. This way, they are frequently in sight; however, they are not overwhelming. You may be tempted to also keep larger objects, but I would recommend resisting this urge. Your own attic, garage or spare bedroom can be much better used than to storehouse Mom/Dad’s old furniture. Off-site paid storage can be an option, but the monthly charge for a secured locker can skyrocket.

When Dad was in his late stages of Alzheimer’s disease, he no longer could enjoy his vast collection of CDs. Resisting the urge to inherit these for my own music library, I, instead, sold them to a local second-hand music shop. Making a few dollars off the sale and turning the profit back to Dad was not that important. Removing the reminder of Dad would prove to be far more valuable.

Seek Counselling. I have heard a number of stories from caregivers who joined a support group when their loved one was alive and now remain with the group even after that loved one’s death. Former caregivers can find support, understanding and encouragement through participating in a circle of this kind. If need be, consider a higher level of counseling … talking about your loss with a psychologist behind closed doors can help you manage through a very traumatic and often life-changing experience.

Slow Down. Following a loved one’s passing away, you may well be tempted to work harder and faster so as to distract you. Doing so is only a bandage solution; your feelings of grief must be allowed to come out, be addressed and be properly dealt with.

Volunteer. Giving back to the community can be another option. Using your own skills and experiences to help others can help heal old wounds. Volunteer opportunities can be advertised in your local newspaper, but don’t stop there! Does your city/town have a Volunteer Action Centre which can offer placements? Call on local non-profit associations/hospitals/churches/agencies of interest and offer to lend a hand.

Accept the Death. Encountering sadness and depression can be perfectly natural. These are human emotions; both are standard to feel at such at a time. Walk this walk for as long as necessary, but, in time, reframe your loved one’s passing to be more positive – perhaps Mom/Dad was sick and death prevented long-term suffering. By recognizing and admitting that Mom/Dad is now is a better place, you are better able to reach a higher level of personal peace and acceptance.

My best advice? As death is imminent, a caregiver should start taking steps to reestablish his/her own personal focus before a loved one dies. By doing so, the transition will become easier and you will not be left scrambling and feeling lost or alone.

As a caregiver, you may well experience intense anguish after a loved one passes away. Without wanting to sound harsh, after a loved one dies, you will now have more time for yourself. For your own health and well-being, work through what you need to; however, you can also pull that target back into place and now focus on a much-different (and not to mention, very important) “bulls-eye” – you.

Making Your Caregiving New Year Happy!

It's that time of year again ... we all look ahead and make our New Year's resolutions to somehow change or improve some factor in our life. This could be to become more active and lose those extra "love handles" around your waist. You might look at becoming more organized. Or you may plan to make more financial investments. As a caregiver, why not make a few caregiving resolutions? Remember, to keep these planned goals SMART. This is an acronym meaning a number of things; however, the definition I prefer is "specific", "measurable", "achievable". "realistic" and "timely". These promises will, after all, improve your situation with your loved one. Consider the following ideas:

· Delegate. Do not try to accomplish more than you realistically can do. Entrust tasks to outside help wherever and whenever possible to help handle the increased workload. A pharmacist may deliver prescriptions or a neighbour may shovel the sidewalks.

· De-clutter both your mind, your surroundings and, if necessary, de-clutter the space your loved one occupies. Taking control of your environment may help to cope with all the things out of your control. Opening up your loved one’s home also promotes increased safety by having nothing to trip on.

· List and locate important papers you need relating to your caregiving role such as Power of Attorney, Personal Directive, Will, etc. Keep these documents in a secure location that you will remember and be able to access easily if and when necessary.

· Learn as much as you can about your loved one’s condition. The more you know about what to expect and what the options are, the better you will cope.

· Find out what services are available to help you give the best care to your loved one and to avoid burn-out. Ask at the doctor’s office or hospital, browse through your Yellow Pages for Caregiving Services or look online for Respite Care and find out what is required to qualify.

· Prioritize your tasks. Consider that one job may be postponed until tomorrow.

· Disregard the distance. If you are not the primary caregiver due to distance or time factors, look for ways you CAN help. Contribute financially if you are able. Research the specific health condition. Organize the paperwork. Place telephone calls to book appointments or arrange services. Serve as Power of Attorney and arrange for all bills to be sent to you for payment – on behalf of your loved one. Plan regular visits to assist.

· Stay in touch with your family regularly and offer what support you can. Many times just knowing we are not alone gives us the extra boost we need.

These are just a few options. Remember, as with any personal goal-setting, you must walk before you can run. Smaller (and more realistic) goals are often much more achievable. When successfully completely these, you will become more confident in setting and attaining much larger goals.