Making - and Keeping - Caregiving Resolutions

As one year ends and another begins, many of us make resolutions to somehow improve our lives ... to exercise more frequently, to eat more healthily and/or to stop smoking are all common goals. Resolutions are a good idea to help us strive to better ourselves ... just keep these small and more realistic! It is far easier to give up on that grandiose plan to lose 50 pounds by the end of January than it is to go for a 15-minute walk each day.

Even when caregivers are consumed with tending to the needs of older parents, they can still remember to resolve. In fact, focusing on your own health and personal well-being can prove to be very important as you serve as a caregiver for another person. To make matters easier and to give you the best chance of succeeding, I suggest you make only one resolution for this next year ... that is, to accept your own humanity. Unless you happen to have a secret identity as a superhero, you cannot slip into a phone booth to change and then leap over tall buildings and achieve great things. We all have our own limitations.

How you remember your own humanity is up to you; however, here are a few suggestions:

Know that it is acceptable to lose your temper or cry. Caregiving can be an emotional rollercoaster ride and it is perfectly "okay" to feel such emotions. On a related note, know that it is also acceptable to laugh. If you deem such emotions unacceptable, simply apologize for them and carry on.

Accept those days when you may forget to pick up something for your loved one. Many of us are trying to multi-task to an extreme. Last time I checked, all of us only have two hands, two arms and two feet. The more you attempt to do, the more mistakes you are likely to make. Slow down. Don't beat yourself up if you overlook to run an errand or miss dispensing the occasional dose of medication for your loved one.

Organize - but on a smaller scale. Cracking open a file cabinet drawer of past parental income tax returns to review can be overwhelming. Work on these type of jobs slowly and seek out help, when and where you can. Look at less large undertakings. Perhaps you can work through Mom or Dad's closet, pull out clothes which don't fit anymore and donate these to a community cause? By doing so, you are helping your loved one (by reducing the closet clutter), helping yourself (by keeping your responsibilities more realistic) and helping others (by providing needed items).

This may not be new advice to you; however, write that resolution down and post it in a conspicuous spot (e.g. the refrigerator door, the bathroom mirror or on your bedside table). Even when you forget your resolution (and there will be times that you do), it will be easy enough to read this again and remind yourself of your own priorities.

Cellular Telephones - A Caregiver's Hotline

As a caregiver, phone calls relating to your parent can come in any time day or night and you have to be prepared. Instead of relying on the traditional landline telephone in your home (which may well be being used by another member of the family), why not use a cellular phone instead? Consider the following benefits of cellular phones for caregivers:

1) Cellular phones are mobile. Tuck one into your jacket pocket and you are available pretty much any time and anywhere. While coverage areas are improving, you may experience a "dropped call" now and again if you are inside of a building, stairwell or underground parkade. Being readily accessible can provide more peace of mind for a family caregiver.

2) Cellular telephones can be dedicated lines. What I mean by this is, should you choose to share your mobile number within your parent's care circle, you will only get calls on this phone pertaining to your parent's care. Yes, you may answer a wrong number occasionally, but the majority of calls received will be from Mom or Dad's doctor's office, the bank, the drugstore pharmacist and so on.

3) Cellular telephones can include useful calling features. With my mobile phone, I found that both voicemail and call forwarding were well worth the few extra dollars charged per month. With voicemail, even when I was unavailable or outside of the calling service area, someone could still leave a message. An alert would sound when I became available. With call forwarding, I could easily program in another number where I would be for a temporary basis. Callers would be transferred over automatically.

Should you decide to invest in a cell phone for caregiving purposes, exercise some caution. Such phones do come with plenty of optional bells and whistles - these are features which you pay for but never use. Consider airtime packages carefully ... many mobile phones offer free calling for evenings and weekends but charge by the minute during the day. How many calls do you expect to make or receive? Please don't overspend if you don't have to.

Christmas Gifts for Caregivers

Just what can you give your favourite caregiver for Christmas? One of the most treasured gifts will be time. By offering to stay with Mom or Dad for the day, you can help your caregiving friend immensely to seek out respite time for him/herself. Taking a personal break is imperative for a caregiver; this will, effectively "recharge the batteries" and he/she can resume the caregiving responsibilities.

If your favourite caregiver has yet to provide you with a "wish list", then consider these additional gift ideas:

Home-cooked Meal Delivery Service: I'm not referring to take-out pizza or Chinese food which you can get delivered. Take a look through your phone book to pinpoint companies which can provide pre-made, healthy and nutritious meals. These can be easily frozen until ready for use.

A Grocery Gift Card: Help to fill your favourite caregiver's refrigerator. Purchase a gift card in whatever denomination you feel most comfortable with and place this in the Christmas tree.

Vehicle Maintenance: Does your caregiver's car need some attention? Consider covering the cost of the next oil change or tune-up.

A Professional Massage: This can be an hour of personal heaven! Soothe away the stressors related to caregiving and your caregiving friend will feel rejuvenated again.

Coming up with a present idea shouldn't be difficult. You will know your caregiving friend and what he/she likes the best. A gift will come from the heart.

Trusteeship and Guardianship - Two Completely Different Terms

When it comes to applying for guardianship and/or trusteeship for your aging parent, it is absolutely critical that you understand the differences between these two terms ... each will give you only certain rights. While I am not a lawyer, I can offer the following summarized descriptions:

Guardianship: a legal document allowing a chosen individual the right to make personal decisions for the dependent adult. Guardians can choose what Mom or Dad eats, wears and lives. In addition, guardians determine healthcare choices as well as who Mom or Dad associates with.

Trusteeship: a legal document allowing a chosen individual the right to manage financial affairs for the dependent adult. This will involve making bank deposits and withdrawals, paying the regular bills as well as managing investments and any property (building/land) portfolios.

As you can see, there is a world of difference between being a guardian and being a trustee. Becoming one does not immediately mean that become the other automatically. After being granted the authority as Guardian and/or Trustee, you will need to distribute copies of official court orders to all of those involved with your parent's care and/or life (i.e. doctor, long-term care facility, banker, insurance agent) to keep on file. One person may serve as both a guardian and a trustee or you may split the duties. With sharing the responsibilities with my older sister, I served as Joint Guardian and Alternate Trustee for my father. This arrangement worked quite well, save for the times when my sister was out of town and unavailable. When this occurred, she would have to write me a letter transferring the responsibility to me.

Yes, applying for Guardianship and Trusteeship can be very expensive; however, it is well worth the price to seek out a legal authority. Ask plenty of questions so that you fully understand each role and know what you are getting yourself into. Trust me, you want to get this right.

From Bookstore Shelves to Author Bookings

Now that "Caregiver's Guide for Canadians" has been published nationally, I have had to change my proverbial hat I have worn for the past number of months. While I remain the book's author, I have also become a book marketer - an interesting and exciting experience!

I am delighted to be working with Sarah of Self-Counsel Press (truly a publicity firecracker!). Sarah has successfully arranged a number of impressive media interviews ... a sampling from that list is below:

• Big Breakfast TV - Edmonton, AB
• The Edmonton Journal
• CBC Radio - BC Almanac
• Global News - Early Edition

I've been working at this as well and have landed the following attention:

• Author Signing at Strathcona Chapter's bookstore - Edmonton, AB
• Author Signing at Southpoint Chapter's bookstore - Edmonton, AB
• Author Interview on 94.1 CJOC.FM (The Lounge) Radio - Lethbridge, AB
• Author Talk at Rotary Club luncheon - Edmonton, AB
• Articles published in Real Estate Weekly (Edmonton), The Calgary Sun and The Medicine Hat News
• Author Appearance at Touchmark at Wedgewood's Lunch & Launch - Edmonton, AB
• Author Appearance at Strathcona Library's Book Sale and Fair - Strathcona County, AB
• Two forthcoming Author Signings at Strathcona Chapter's bookstore - Edmonton, AB (January 15, 2011 and February, 2011 - Date To be Announced)
• Forthcoming Author Signing at West Edmonton Mall Chapter's bookstore - Edmonton, AB (January, 2011 - Date to be Announced)

Interested in having me appear at your event or speak to your group? Please e-mail me at cdncaregiver@gmail.com. Stay tuned to this blog for more information coming soon!

Feeling "Grinchy" at Christmas Time is Okay

"The Whos down in Whoville liked Christmas a lot. But the Grinch, who lived just north of Whoville, did not. The Grinch hated Christmas - the whole Christmas season. Oh please don't ask why ... no one quite knows the reason."

From one of Dr. Suess' finest tales, "How the Grinch Stole Christmas", this quote may well describe your mood coming up to the festive season. You may be feeling more gloomy than merry and this can be expected should Mom or Dad be confined to a long-term care facility and be unable to join you and the family. No one, of course, can make you feel happy if you do not feel so but times change and family traditions must change with them. This can easier said then done, however. One of the best ways I discovered to better enjoy the holiday cheer was to do something charitable ... my choice over the past number of years has been to contribute a frozen turkey to a local radio station's food bank drive. Giving to those less fortunate can be immensely rewarding and can be a good way to feel better about things yourself.

Here are a number of other ideas to help you find your own Christmas cheer:

• Dig out your mother's favourite Christmas decorations and hang them on your tree.
• Go carolling with your family.
• Reduce the number of house guests over Christmas and keep gift-opening to a minimum.
• Sit by the fire with a good book.
• Create new family traditions.
• Place a photo of your mother or father in a prominent and special place in your own home (this way, your parent can still "join" you without physically being there).

Accept the fact that you are not the only one grieving at Christmas time. Even if your own heart feels two sizes too small, there can be a good reason for this. Christmas is a time for family and when family is not able to participate, you will need to accept and adapt.

Making Christmas Merry for All

The upcoming Christmas season may seem like an ideal time to bring Mom or Dad to your home to help celebrate. While this is an excellent idea, some caution must be exercised so that you and your parent(s) better enjoy the day to its fullest.

Begin with ensuring the sidewalk is clear of ice and snow. Slippery conditions can become dangerous when one is already unsteady. Clear enough snow so that you can walk beside your loved one (rather than behind or in front of) and provide support. Provide some increased traction by sprinkling cat sand on your walkway and any steps up to your door. Tighten any loose hand railings as well to provide increased stability.

Clear away discarded wrapping paper - immediately. Gift wrap eagerly ripped off of presents can be scattered about the floor. Should Mom or Dad wish to stand up and move around, the gift wrap under foot may become a hazard.

Occupy children. Youngsters love the Christmas season and can squeal with delight with gifts received. Sudden noises can, however, startle an older individual (I remember my father strongly disliked these). Suggest that your kids play elsewhere than the living room so that your parent can enjoy some quieter moments. Better yet, take your children outside. Organize a skating party, build a snow fort out in the back yard or go toboggoning ... Mom or Dad may be able to catch a quick nap.

Limit the parental visit. While it may be tempting for you to involve your parent for the entire Christmas day, remember that he/she will tire more easily. Choose your visiting time carefully ... you will likely know by now when Mom or Dad is most cognizant. If your parent does not join you for Christmas dinner, why not wrap up a plate of turkey and take it over to your parent's care facility?

Adjust some family traditions. Mom may not exactly remember her gravy recipe; Dad may not be able to effectively carve the turkey. Now is the time for other family members to step in and fill those roles. Certainly do what you can to maintain the older traditions, but why not look to create some new ones as well?

Visiting With Mom or Dad

Once you get Mom or Dad successfully placed into a care facility, you will want to visit. Your cheerful smile will bring joy; your company will be appreciated. As for when to visit, this presents another question entirely. Here are a few guidelines to follow:

Refrain from stopping in at dinner time. Meal time at care facilities can be hectic, what with care staff scurrying around ensuring that every resident gets fed. The clatter of dishes being cleared away can be noisy as well, thus restricting any conversation between you and your loved one.

Avoid any regularly scheduled "care" time for your parent. A routine physiotherapy appointment or even a bath is not the time to stop in and expect to spend some quality moments with a parent.

Steer clear of "nap time". If your parent likes to routinely doze on a Sunday afternoon right after lunch, let him/her do this. Older bodies need more rest. Think of how friendly you might be if you were woken up - even by a well-meaning family member.

Check in with facility management to confirm what level of access you will have. Some facilities will allow family members to visit on a 24/7 basis while others will impose restrictions. Get to know your parent's schedule at the facility and respect those times of the day or evening when visiting is not appropriate. By doing so, you will have stays which are better for the both of you!

An Overlooked Support Mechanism for Caregivers

Support can take different forms for family caregivers. There are the immediate contacts who can provide support for a caregiver by minding Mom or Dad on a temporary basis. There are the healthcare professionals who provide medical expertise to keep Mom or Dad as healthy as possible. There are the financial planners who make monetary recommendations to grow or maintain a parent's personal wealth. One type of support which may not be immediately obvious is a support group.

While you may hesitate to even think of joining such a group, please don't dismiss it too quickly. Support groups can provide a very safe and supportive environment where participants can share. Such groups are led by qualified staff who may even invite in guest speakers to lecture on certain topics. It might even be possible for group participants to be polled as to what they want to learn and a specific presenter could then be sought out.

You may well be nervous to even sit in with a support group. This is perfectly natural. Depending on just how open you are, it can be difficult to share difficult feelings. Know that participation in a support group is not forced; however, it is always encouraged. After all, the more you put in, the more you will get out of the process.

If you just cannot see yourself joining a support group, consider individual counselling ... this will provide an outlet for you to air your concerns to a nonjudgemental individual. By doing so, you are less likely to bottle up all of these weighty negatives which can affect your mood, your sleep, your appetite, your relationships and your own health. Those specialists who can offer individual counselling include pyschiatrists, psychologists, social workers and mental health workers. Shop around and choose someone who you are comfortable speaking with.

A Caregiver's Rights

You may well have seen or heard these before, but I wanted to share them here. These are a number of Caregiver's Rights, which emphasize what must remain important to you as you continue to tend to the needs of an aging parent. Unfortuneately, the author of these Rights remains anonymous so I cannot give him/her full credit; however, I would like to sincerely thank the original writer for sharing these thoughts. Print these rights out and tape them to your bathroom mirror to remain conspicuous each day. Also, feel free to add to these rights, as you see fit.

I have the right:

• To take care of myself. This is not an act of selfishness. It will give me the capability of taking better care of myself.
• To seek help from others even though my relative may object. I recognize the limits of my own endurance and strength.
• To maintain facets of my own life that do not include the person I care for, just as I would do if he or she were healthy. I know that I do everything I reasonably can for this person and I have the right to do some things for myself.
• To get angry, be depressed and express other difficult feelings occassionally.
• To reject any attempt by my relative (either conscious or subconscious) to manipulate me through guilt, anger or depression.
• To receive consideration, affection, forgiveness and acceptance for what I do from my beloved one for as long as I offer these same qualities in return.
• To take pride in what I am accomplishing and to applaud the courage it has sometimes taken to meet the needs of my relative.
• To protect my individuality and my right to make a life for myself that will sustain me in the time when my relative no longer needs my full-time help.
• To expect and demand that as new strides are made in finding resources to aid physically and mentally impaired older persons in our country, similiar strides will be made towards aiding and supporting caregivers.

Caregivers to Look Both Ways Before Crossing

Pedestrians are advised to look both ways before crossing the street ... mindful caregivers should take similar precautions. As a caregiver, you are not watching out for speeding motorists; instead, you are exercising caution by analyzing what else might be approaching.

Simply put, when you know what is coming, you can better prepare. Obviously, one cannot totally anticipate everything that lies ahead; however, one can make less grandiose plans. If Alzheimer's disease runs in your own family, start visiting and touring secured units sooner rather than later. Even if your parent is well in many respects, consider signing him/her up on a care facility's waiting list. I was recently speaking to a woman whose mother, at 65 years old, was adamant about the very idea of long-term care. However, the waiting list was eight years long, so, you can see how important it would be to register right now.

It may also become necessary for an adult child in the family to take over paying Mom and/or Dad's ongoing bills. Visiting the bank and arranging someone in the family to become a co-signer on a parental account is far easier when Mom and/or Dad is physically and mentally well ... this way, travelling is not impossible and your parent will better understand what is happening when you arrive at the bank.

You can also begin researching various health conditions to become more educated as to what may hit Mom or Dad in the later years, what medications and/or treatment(s) may be available and the prognosis for such conditions. When you learn more about a specific medical condition, you will have a far better understanding of it and know what you can do to keep your parent as comfortable as possible.

Preparation is just one of the many issues faced by new caregivers. Remember to always look both ways before stepping forward to avoid being bowled over by something unexpected.

Helping Hands for Caregivers

Caregivers do need and appreciate help. I was reminded of this fact as I participated in a recent Caregiver's Expo as an exhibitor. The event was well-attended and business was brisk for many of my neighbouring exhibitors and myself. A good-sized crowd gathered to listen to the keynote speaker who presented on how important maintaining a sense of humour is while providing care.

As attendees (both young and old) approached me, I saw a glimmer of hope in their eyes ... perhaps I could provide some answers for them through my book. I heard stories from adult children looking after their parents, spouses caring for their partners and one woman who was helping her own younger sister.

I listened with despair to these stories ... often, caregivers have their hands tied with what they can do medically for an aging parent. But family caregivers can do a great deal in other respects - specifically, when it comes to making a parent more comfortable or their own lives more bearable. There are many exceptional products on the market today (and more continually being developed) to ease discomfort and provide continued independence for a senior for as long as possible. Visit your local healthcare supply store to learn about these products.

Caregivers must also pay attention to their own needs. Take a break; walk away for even one hour per day and this will help.

My Caregiver's Expo was just one of many resources available to caregivers. What is discouraging is these type of events are not held more frequently and are not widely-advertised. Therefore, it is up to the caregiver to take the initiative and seek out help and support from others. Begin with your own family and friends, research Senior's Associations in your local telephone book, turn to the Internet to learn more about caregiving issues. Ask questions and keep asking questions until you find an appropriate answer. Above all, do not ignore an extended hand of help when offered from another person ... sharing the responsibilities of caregiving with others will, ultimately, help you.

Reducing Caregiver Stress at Holidays

Happy Thanksgiving! Holidays, such as Thanksgiving and Christmas, can remain very significant for families. These holidays can involve reuniting with relatives that one hasn't seen for some time, sharing laughs and memories, feasting until one's belt buckle needs to be loosened a notch and enjoying good company. However, when Mom or Dad grows older and lives in a care facility, the traditional familial celebration must change. While these events take on a different form, families can still partake of the festivities, while still involving Mom or Dad. Here are a few ideas of how to do this:

Bring the holiday to your parent: Decorate Mom or Dad's room, bring in a plate of home-cooked turkey with a wedge of pumpkin pie or revisit old photo albums to remember the good times from holidays past. At Christmas, why not arrange an impromptu barbershop quartet to visit your parent and sing holiday carols? Chances are that other residents, along with the care staff, in the home will greatly enjoy your music.

Shorten a family visit: If Mom or Dad is mobile and well enough to travel, bring her/him to a relative's home for part of the day. As an elderly senior will tire more easily, it will be wise to limit the stay ... perhaps to a couple of hours. Consider the best time of day for a parent to visit ... when is he/she most lucid and/or awake? In the wintertime, remember to clear the front sidewalk of any snow or ice to reduce the risk of accidental falls. Don't forget to also clear the inside of your home as well ... Christmas wrapping paper strewn over the living room floor can become a slipping hazard.

Occupy children: Youngsters, bless their hearts, can be great joys at holiday time. Their excitement can be very contagious. However, enthusiastic children can easily become boisterous children and noise levels can increase. With my father, sudden noises startled him - this may well be disturbing for your own parent. If Mom or Dad is visiting you at-home, provide a distraction for your children ... can you take them skating? Tobagganing? Hunting for Easter eggs out in the back yard?

These are just a few ideas to help your holidays continue to go well. Yes, holidays can - and will - change for families and family caregivers; however, they don't need to be as stressful.

Communicating When Communication is Impossible

Communicating with your parent when he/she becomes older can become even more difficult, if not impossible. In the case of my father, Alzheimer's disease stole both his memory and his ability to speak. Therefore, when I visted Dad, I had to find more creative ways to converse with him. Here are just a few examples of what I had tried and found success with:

Oral Reading: Dad, as a former English Professor, had always appreciated fine writing and great pieces of literature. In fact, he spent many hours reading selected stories out loud to his three children before their bedtimes. When the tables turned, I found I could read to him ... I never knew if he recognized the story shared; however, I suspect he found this familiar in some way. Doing this was a pleasant way for me to spend time with Dad and I felt good to be able to do this.

Smile: A smile expresses friendliness, warmth, appreciation and caring. And, it is so easy to do - in fact, I heard once that smiling actually requires fewer facial muscles than frowning. Even if your parent cannot speak, he/she may still understand the gesture of smiling and the wonderful meaning behind this. A smile is a powerful but silent way to share and it can be very rewarding to have your parent return that smile to you.

Hug: Like a smile, an embrace can speak volumes when words cannot be spoken. I found that my father appreciated this; it also created rewarding memories for me. I will fondly remember our final hug on the night before he died and the tickle of his wool sweater against my face. By squeezing tighter, you can share your love with your parent.

These are just a few ideas to try when you cannot verbally dialogue with your parent. With some experimentation, you may well find other options which will work for you.

Being Selfish with Caregiving

Are you being selfish with your caregiving? Likely not; however, you should be. When I say "selfish", I don't mean this in a negative context. Many caregivers focus, first and foremost, on the individual they are assisting. While doing this is certainly excellent work, one should not allow him/herself to become so busy to completely disregard his/her own personal needs.

In my book, "Caregiver's Guide for Canadians", I provide a graphic entitled "Your Circle of Caregiving". This resembles a giant wheel with many spokes extending from it. At the end of each spoke, another smaller circle is drawn. I encourage readers to write in the names of people, agencies and other community supports who/which can provide help in some manner. My reason for mentioning this diagram is to highlight the importance of you. You will quickly notice that you remain in the centre of the picture therefore being an integral part of the caregiving process.

With being in the bulls-eye of the circle, I hope that you will also realize where your own needs must be placed. You must actually prioritize your own needs over those of your aging parent. You've likely heard the old cliche, "How can you care for someone else if you don't care for yourself first?" The adage couldn't be any truer. When you are tired, you become more run down, more emotional and more prone to your own health risks. With being sick, you are not going to accomplish much and may well have to quarantine yourself.

As a caregiver, remember where you stand in the grand scheme of things. I'm certainly not advising you to drop your caregiving duties completely, but find a way to compromise so that you can enjoy a regular break. Become more selfish with regard to your own needs. Taking that break will help keep both your mind and body healthier.

Winter Can Cause More Falls

Winter, with its snowfall and icy sidewalks, can become very treacherous for unstable seniors who become more prone to fall. While slippery conditions cause many slips, we cannot totally blame these; falls are also caused by decreased vision, prescribed medications and weakened muscle strength.

Many falls can be prevented through regular activity, checking medications and watching one's step.

By regular activity, I am recommending exercise. Get Mom or Dad moving; while your parent is not going to be running any marathons, he/she can keep active by walking and/or swimming on a daily basis. It won't take long to build up some increased muscle strength and better balance and your parent will become more confident when walking on ice and snow. With becoming stronger, Mom or Dad will also be able to do other things much easier as well (e.g. getting out of a chair or climbing the stairs).

Monitor your parent's medications carefully. Watch out for those medications which may cause drowsiness. When one is sleepy or relaxed, one is more likely to fall and experience an injury. Medications should be reviewed by your healthcare professional on a regular basis. Clarify an, and all, side effects of prescriptions, over-the-counter pills, herbal supplements and even vitamins.

Be mindful of where you step. This should go without saying; however, many distractions can cause us to not watch where we are going. One of the highest risk areas in a senior's home has to be the bathroom; the wet surfaces can become a death trap. Install grab bars and ensure these are securely in-place. Another idea is to paint any steps alternating colours to distinguish where to step down. When walking with your parent, hold on tightly.

Play it safe with Mom or Dad and falls can be reduced. Fewer falls equate to fewer injuries.

10 Essential Tools for Family Caregivers

As a current or prospective caregiver, your life will become very different, very quickly. One thing is certain - your attention will become more focused on your parent and you may well fully or partially disregard your own needs. As for what else lies ahead, it is difficult to forecast (and perhaps impossible to tell unless you have a crystal ball ...). Still, you must prepare to the best of your abilities. With having been a former caregiver myself, I can share the following glimpse into what you can, or may, expect. Being aware of these issues can ultimately help you better manage your caregiving responsibilities.

Learn About Your Parent's Disease. Research every aspect of the disease that you can; you will want to learn about the course of the disease, possible treatments (including natural treatments, medications and operations) and available support programs (for both you and your parent). An ongoing sickness will eventually weaken and change a person and these changes will certainly affect you in how you care for this individual and how you respond personally to this situation.

Stress. Family caregivers looking after an aging parent's needs can experience angst and must deal effectively with this. Carrying unnecessary stress can be a heavy load. Seek out ways to release stress so that it does not become overly burdensome.

Communication with Healthcare Professionals. You will be dialoguing more so with doctors, nurses and so on about your parent's health. Do not hesitate to ask them questions about your mother's or father's condition and future prognosis. If you do not fully understand the answers, ask again until you do. Remember, you are acting on your parent's behalf and gathering related information is your right.

Community Resources. Wherever you live in this country, you will have access to help, whether this is through senior's organizations, disease associations, hospitals, day programs, libraries, churches and so on. Reach out to these resources; ask for and accept their help. While you may easily think you can do everything yourself, this can become easily overwhelming.

Financial/Legal Planning. Know that family caregiving can become expensive and you may have to budget or stretch your resources. Involve your banker or financial planner immediately and discuss any possible options.

Renovating a Senior's Home to Make it Safer. If Mom or Dad is not ready to move into a long-term care facility and remains living at home, then many adjustments will have to be made. Grab bars, stairlifts, non-skid mats and ramps are all likely additions. You should also consider removing unnecessary furniture which may inhibit movement or even trap a senior (that deep plush couch may be very comfortable, but Mom or Dad may not have the arm or leg strength to push up from it).

Creating a Family Plan. Put aside any lingering differences and meet with your family on a regular basis. This is not the time to air any "dirty laundry" or point fingers of blame; you must concentrate on the needs of your parent. Decide and delegate duties to each sibling and ensure that each individual is comfortable assuming these new responsibilities.

Home Care and Institutionalization. Whichever route you take for your aging parent, know that each is a business. You will be expected to pay for services provided. Personal healthcare insurance may not completely cover the costs. Know that you must communicate with service staff about your parent's needs and your own expectations.

Balancing Caregiving with Your Own Life. Caregiving can affect many aspects of your own life - your friends, your work and your family. While some juggling may be necessary, communication again is key. Tell those closest to you what you are dealing with. With your employer, look into work options (e.g. reduced work hours, job-sharing or paid leave time may all be possibilities).

Relax, Rejoice and Reconnect. Take time for yourself to better control the situation. Know that you don't always have to accomplish everything today ... what can you postpone until tomorrow?

An Empathetic Book Review

I was truly flattered to receive this review from a reader of my new book, "Caregiver's Guide for Canadians". I have reprinted this in its entirety below ...

An object only becomes necessary to possess when it is discovered that it is beautiful, rare and valuable. So it is with an idea. When it is deemed important, it becomes mandatory to utilize or own it. This book is a rare jewel that needs to be 'possessed' in every person's life, for their own well-being.

This 139-page book is a caregiver's goldmine of information and shared experience. Any person who is, or may be, involved in being a part-time or full-time caregiver for a loved one will be glad to be able to access this collection of valuable tips and must do's to easy their way in doing this very difficult work while also making a life for themselves (and family).

Rick's first chapter, "Sharing My Story" touched me deeply. I too have dealt with multiple instances of caregiving. He is clear and articulate, but I could read the emotion between the lines. Caregiving can be a blessing, but it is truly a very difficult job on all levels.

The chapter on "Defining Caregiving" is very important for many reasons. A potential caregiver has to realize that it is a necessity to offer this sacrifice for a loved one - a sacrifice which includes steep learning curves on many medical issues as well as changes in personal attitudes and needs. Section 2 on "Remembering to take care of yourself" is a standout, true knock-out punch. There will be many times in the span of caregiving when it is a real life sacrifice to continue. All efforts that can be made to de-stress, sleep and eat properly and otherwise look after your own situation will help overcome the aftermath of the constant devotion, attention and time involved in caregiving. Besides the weariness of body/health/mind, at the end of each caregiving role is the resultant grief of saying goodbye to a dear person and closing all affairs.

Caregiving in different locations and finding suitable accommodation includes valuable information on many things that may not be realized until after important decisions have been made. When dealing with an irretrievably unwell person, it is amazing how many issues there are that have to be investigated in order for the loved one to be in as comfortable a position as possible. Every item must be considered, but be aware that what may be said, indeed written, may not come to pass in actuality. Constant supervision may be required to ensure proper care and nutrition. One cannot assume that 100% of the care that you would hope to be given to a "patient" is actually done - whether it be meals, dressing, laundry, medical or personal needs. For example, small but important things like changing watch batteries, clocks at time change, finding out if new personal items (shampoo, clothes, etc.) are required, adherence to diet requirements (by patient and facility) may take personal investigation or observation on an ongoing basis.

I speak from experience as a previous staff member of a long-term care facility as well as a caregiver in multiple (all different) cases. Rick speaks of caregiving for older persons. I have also been a caregiver for persons in their 40's and younger, whose needs are different in many ways, although the end result may be the same. Constant adjustments have to be done considering the medical problems, age and subsequent needs of each person. Some of what is written may not apply to such a situation.

Rick has attempted to ease caregiving situations by giving lists of possible resources, activities, aids, etc. that will make life easier for all parties involved. As well, the print-out sheets at the end of this book (Caregiving Checklists and Worksheets) are valuable beginnings for all potential caregivers. Each situation is unique and may require adjustments in the forms, but the basic information required is shown.

In Chapter 11, Rick states, "... caring for ... were some of the hardest things I have ever had to do ..." I totally agree, and you will too. He ends with a positive note that, "caregiving can also be a beautiful thing." You will find out why. Note that it will be necessary tlo prepare for the future, the end of that particular caregiving role and who knows what - maybe you will be the next one to access someone to be a caregiver for you. This book is also helpful to allow you to ease into that transition in the knowledge that you could make it as easy as possible for your future caregiver - and thus yourself. This book will benefit you on all counts. Remember that life is not static - it can change in a moment.

Shirley K. Stevenson - Edmonton

A Broad Range of Caregiver's Issues Discussed in Just 15 minutes

I had the pleasure of guesting on CBC Radio's program, BC Almanac, this afternoon. This was not your standard back-and-forth interview between guest and host but a participatory program where listeners could call in and share their stories and ask questions. Due to limited time, we could only get to five callers, but what struck me was their wide variety of issues raised. To summarize ...

____ emphasized the importance of recognizing personal symptoms of stress and to keep the familial lines of communication open. I cannot agree more. You can reduce stress through many means including delegating responsibilities to others and taking your own respite time away. Talking to the family can be difficult as siblings may have different agendas.

_____ commented on the affordability of senior's centres and asked about senior's co-op living as a possible cost-savings measure. This term is something I am not personally aware of; however, there are certainly many different types and levels of care facilities across the country. The best thing to do is to thoroughly investigate each one and find out what is most appropriate.

_____ has been a caregiver for his aunt, mother and father. He admired the work of those in resource centres for the information they provide. These individuals and centres are to be commended indeed and deserve all the praise they can get. Frequently, such centres operate under non-profit status and have a shoestring operating budget.

_____ questioned how to approach her mother's reduced independence. This is a key issue for seniors as very few people like to admit they may - or do - need help. What may work is, if you have siblings, to approach your parent as a united front and gently repeat your concerns. Another option is to rely on the authorities. A family doctor, for example, can recommend that a parent give up driving because medical tests show that doing this has become unsafe.

And finally, _____ explained that she has put together her own representation agreement regarding her own eldercare. By her wishes, she has stated that her own children are not to be involved with her care - thus, removing them of the burden. Certainly, a generous move.

Even during this 15-minute radio program, I was reminded of the numerous issues which family caregivers assume. Many of these will be foreign to them. For your own sanity, please find a way to deal with your own specific issues. It can be tremendously difficult to bottle up issues and emotions forever; the cork will likely pop at some time.

Resounding Evidence for Family Caregiver Support

I was alarmed to read a news release this morning. This news release, from the Family Caregivers' Network Society, explained that two new studies just released by the Canadian Institute for Health Information (CIHI) highlight the significant role that family members and friends play in caring for our country's ailing seniors.

Among the study findings are the following points:

• One in six people who care for an ailing senior at home are in distress.
• Distress is highest when caring for over 21 hours per week, caring for someone with depression and cognition problems and those displaying aggressive behaviour.
• Dementia care is particularly stressful.
• Support is critical in maintaining family caregiver health.

It could be well worth your time to read the full CIHI report regarding this study. To access this, just Google search the term "CIHI Report Supporting Informal Caregivers - The Heart of Home Care".

Strained Canadian Healthcare System Expected to Drain Resources of Caregivers

Can the Canadian healthcare system adequately handle the needs of our country's ever-growing senior population? According to a recent survey, over half of respondents feel not. The numbers from this poll, as reported in a recent news article (Postmedia News), indicate that 51 per cent of those surveyed suggest that the health care system will get worse before it gets better - possibly as soon as only two to three short years from now.

It's a proven fact that our country's population is getting older. Just look to the latest Canadian Census and you can see that baby boomers (living from British Columbia to Prince Edward Island) are aging. As we age, our physical and mental health can slide and care must be provided ... if these seniors cannot be housed in hospitals and/or appropriate long-term care centres with adequate staff, someone must look after Canada's aging residents. That job, typically, falls on the shoulders of family caregivers.

Our expected strained healthcare system is also expected to put more of a financial strain on users; however, this is facing some resistance. Whether by paying more for healthcare (through taxes or user fees), Canadians are unwilling to just open their wallets and/or purses wider. In the news article, it is stated that "Few Canadians are prepared to cough up more cash for healthcare. Twenty-two per cent said they are willing to pay more in taxes to ensure adequate health services for Baby Boomers as they age and even fewer - 15 per cent - are willing to sacrifice health promotion programs."

The issue of our country's strained healthcare system is not just simmering on the stove ... it is about to boil over. Considering the gloomy forecast, something must be done to adequately provide for these aged Canadians and their families.

Five Essential Tools and Issues Caregivers Must Know About

Caregivers are never alone with what they face. By simply asking - and continually asking - questions, you can find a number of choices and options available to you to make your work more manageable. Whether your parent remains at-home or has been placed into long-term care, you will face new challenges ... here are essential tools and issues which you will need to be aware of:

1) Knowledge. Learn about your parent's disease, condition, treatments and support programs which may be available. Don't limit yourself. Seek information from many sources and remain persistent until you know what you need to know.

2) Stress. Caregiving brings with it many emotional triggers which can easily increase individual stress. While it is impossible to totally eliminate stress, you can reduce and/or manage it. The best way to handle stress is by taking respite ... temporarily escape from your caregiving by reading a book, meeting a friend for coffee or playing with the kids. Try not to rely on medication to manage stress.

3) Communication with medical professionals. Question your parent's doctor with regard to your parent's condition. Request suggestions as to what you can do to help your mother or father. Keep those lines of communication open as well ... you will need to further discuss other issues in the months ahead.

4) Community Resources. There can be many caregiving services available to you and your family. Call disease associations, faith communities (your church) and social service agencies. Once you have some names available to you, remember to delegate work to others.

5) Financial/Legal Planning. While it is impossible to anticipate the exact costs of future care, know that this can become very expensive. You may have to purchase a wheelchair for Mom or Dad or have to cover the skyrocketing costs of remaining in a hospital. Budget effectively. Keep your banker and/or financial advisor informed as well.

Count Your Blessings for Being a Caregiver

Caregivers typically focus on the non-stop running around, the challenge of balancing their own lives and their parent's life, the incessant worrying and so on. Yes, you could easily identify with these negative issues and many others like them, but there is joy to be found in caregiving. You may, however, have to search harder for this. Your joy in caregiving can be just as difficult to find as the proverbial needle in a haystack ... once you uncover it, the search will be well worth the trouble. I, for one, failed to realize this truth until after both my parents passed away; however, this became very apparent. I had learned and grown from the experience. Here are just a few examples of how you can/will do the same:

Foster a better relationship with your parents: Should your connection with Mom and/or Dad be somewhat strained, those old wounds can be healed through your helping to provide care. These final years can be the best time to focus on what is important now, rather than what may have happened many years ago.

Become better organized: Balancing the many caregiving duties called for can seem like a juggling act. Caregivers are not experienced buskers who can easily keep three burning torches in the air simultaneously. With whatever way you choose or with whichever tool works best for you, you will become better organized. You will learn the value of preplanning your daily agendas with great care, while allowing for some flex time to always allow for the unexpected.

Set your own priorities: Just what is most important in your own life? Caregiving will help to identify what takes precedence. As an example, even years after Mom and Dad passed away, I am still speaking out on caregiving issues and trying to help others in the process ... this teaching is significant for me.

Involving Your Furry Friends with Caregiving

Can a cat predict death? In the case of Oscar, a furry feline who prowls the hallways of a New England nursing home, this seems to be the case. Nursing home staff have regularly witnessed Oscar visit and stay with residents - Oscar's picks are remarkably accurate as these chosen residents have passed on within the next four hours. Whether or not these residents are actually aware of Oscar's presence is still to be determined; however, there must be some comfort provided from the purring cat curled up on the bed beside them.

Oscar was adopted by this nursing home as a kitten. He has grown up here, so he knows (and perhaps understands) the environment. It is somewhat eerie that a cat could play the role of the Grim Reaper, but he remains welcomed by the nursing home staff and, in fact, many family caregivers of those living there ... when Oscar comes calling, the staff pay attention and contact relatives. This gives family members advance notice and time to come pay their final respects.

Oscar is certainly not alone as the only pet in long-term care centres. Increasingly, such facilities are welcoming pets as regular residents or bringing in animals for visits. I have seen rabbits, budgies, cats and dogs all brought into senior's homes; typically, these birds and animals provide unconditional love, joy and comfort. Involving animals with a senior's care is known as pet therapy.

Bringing in a pet to visit with Mom or Dad in long-term care can certainly be beneficial; however, you do need to clear this with the staff first. Consider that dogs can become excited and bark - thus possibly alarming other residents. A bigger dog may seem intimidating to a senior. Don't overlook the possibility of resident allergies to your dog. Can you, Mom or Dad and your pet pooch visit in a secluded area?

Practicing the Three P's with Family Caregiving Meetings

In families large or small, it is often necessary for siblings to meet and discuss plans for parental care. Considering the contentious issues involved here, these can be eruptive times (not everybody will agree on the most appropriate long-term facility, plans for death, assigned caregiving responsibilities, Mom or Dad's health prognosis and so on). Each adult child may come to the table with a completely different idea or approach to solving a problem. With Mom or Dad's health, safety and comfort involved (as priority number one) and maintaining family harmony (as priority number two), adult children must learn to work together and compromise. An easy way to do this is remember the three P's of family meetings:

Plan. Before leaving on a trip, you will map out where you want to go, locate your passport (if required) and collect what you want to pack along in your suitcase. With a detailed agenda, less can go wrong. Similarily, prior to a family caregiving meeting, plan what you want to discuss and what you want to accomplish. Collect what you need for supporting information (e.g. medical records, bank financial statements. pamphlets on long-term care centre choices and so on). Can you provide photocopies of this information to your siblings before you get together? Doing this will create a far more productive meeting. Another useful planning tool is an agenda ... draw up a weekly chart listing what needs to be done and naming who will be responsible for each task.

Partnering. Let everybody at your meeting have their say in an equal amount of time. When one sibling monopolizes the conversation, another sibling may well feel slighted. Even if the entire family does not immediately agree on the next course of action, the people in your group will feel more accountable and heard. Perhaps assign someone as your meeting's timer? He/she could time each speaker with a small stop watch and ring a bell when the alotted time is up.

Peace. If you are concerned with things getting out of hand at your own family meetings, bring in someone from the outside to monitor the proceedings. This person should be calm, capable and competent when it comes to leading a group (some examples of possible group leaders include mutual friends, members of the clergy and/or social workers). Try to choose your group leader by consensus. If not everybody agrees, then hold a vote to decide.

Hopefully, remembering and practicing these three P's with your family caregiving meetings will help you and your siblings work together and compromise. While you all may not immediately agree on what to do or how to do it, you will surely agree that your parent needs your attention and the best care possible at this time.

Connecting with Aging Parents

Connecting moments between an aging parent and an adult child can dwindle over the course of time. This may not be the fault of either individual. For example, with my father's Alzheimer's disease, he lost both his memories and his ability to speak ... I would consider myself lucky to hear a mumble from him. In this case, having a conversation with Dad when I visited him was impossible. Should your mother or father be in a similar situation (due to a stroke, dementia, etc.), know that there remain ways to connect with him/her. Here are just a few suggestions:

Share a hobby with your parent. With Dad always being an avid book lover, I would often read to him. I believe that it really didn't matter what I chose to read, hearing the words provided some familiarity. What did your parent enjoy doing? Gardening? Finger painting? Can you continue or adapt this hobby?

Peruse photos. In the case of Alzheimer's patients, the long-term memory is, typically, the last thing to go. You may still be able to connect with your parent by showing him/her old family/vacation photos. Even if you cannot talk about your respective memories, you may easily get broad smiles of recognition with seeing a person, a time or a place from the past.

Provide a personal touch. One of the easiest ways to literally connect with a person is to touch him/her. By holding your parent's hand, for example, you can maintain a vital link. And, with hand-holding, you can do this either while walking with your parent or sitting and relaxing.

Although your parent is aging, there are still ample ways to maintain a strong connection with him/her. Try this for yourself and reap the benefits!

Who is a Caregiver?

While society typically recognizes "caregivers" as adult children tending to the needs of their older parents or even parents caring for their own children, caregivers exist on many, many different levels as well. Atypical examples of caregivers include the following:

• The helpful neighbour who shovels the front walk, rakes the leaves or takes out the garbage for a housebound senior.
• The friend who drops in for a visit and to play a game of cards.
• The paid companion who provides homecare to Mom or Dad.
• The medical staff at Mom or Dad's nursing home who provide around-the-clock care (with medication delivery, bathing, feeding, etc.).
• The singing group which entertains at a senior citizen's facility.
• The volunteer who accompanies Mom or Dad outside on a walk or reads to your parent.
• The grandchild who colours a picture for a senior's room wall.

Therefore, anybody, young or old, who helps tend to the needs of others (either physically, emotionally, mentally or spiritually) can be defined as a caregiver. You are never alone with your own caregiving experiences ... just look around and fully evaluate what others are doing then thank them for their efforts.

Three Ideas to Provide Care from a Distance

A good friend of mine was driving an hour and a half each week to visit her mother, who lived in a distant city. This may not seem like much; however, consider that hour and a half becomes three hours for the round trip and this accounts for a good percentage of each day. Travelling time is just one of the many problems associated with caregiving from a distance ... even a seemingly short distance, when driven regularly, can snowball to become dramatic.

If your parents live elsewhere, you can expect to still visit occasionally; however, there are many things you can do from your own home base, thus saving on time, fuel costs and unnecessary wear and tear on your vehicle. Here are a number of my recommendations:

1) Connect with your parent's friends and neighbours. Share phone numbers/e-mail addresses. A person living right next door to your parents can become a trusted source of information. He/she can become that critical extra set of eyes and ears and provide updates to you on a regular basis.

2) Look at volunteer opportunities for your parents. Should Mom and/or Dad remain competent, they can help out with a needy cause. When my parents were living at a distance from me, they volunteered for the local Meals-on-Wheels program (which provides pre-cooked meals to those who are housebound). Doing this benefitted my parents in several ways: they remained active (both personally and in the community), they got to learn their way around their (then-new) retirement home, they felt involved and they met other city residents.

3) Hire part-time help. Can you employ a local individual to do some light cooking and/or cleaning for your parents? Perhaps someone could mow the lawn or shovel the walks? Maybe someone could even come in once or twice per week to accompany your parent out on an hour-long walk? Having someone in place for even a couple of hours per week will help you and your parent. And the best part? When you come to visit, you can send your care worker out on necessary errands. This will free up your time and you can spend more quality hours with your parent - and isn't that what matters the most?

Working with the Family

You may have bickered incessently with your own brother or sister when growing up; however, when it comes to caregiving, there is nothing like having a sibling to share the work load. Caregiving can easily become overwhelming for anyone - it just makes sense to delegate. I feel fortunate that I have two sisters; when it came time for us to help our parents, our trio worked quite well together.

Having an open conversation about all of this will help. Discuss specific roles with eachother ... identify who will do what. Obviously, if a family member has an interest or experience in a certain area, he/she will be drawn to that area. Let this happen, by all means. It simply makes the most sense for someone to utilize his/her strengths effectively. If a family member feels uncomfortable with serving in a certain position, do not force this upon him/her. This typically leads to resentful caregivers - something you definitely do not need. If there is a caregiving chore which is being ignored by everybody, can you find someone else to do this instead? Another option would be to share those disliked duties amongst the family so that each sibling takes a turn.

Check in with your siblings regarding your own workload regularly. Are you comfortable with doing what you are doing? Is this becoming too unmanageable?

I must give special recognition to the only children in this world - those without brothers or sisters. Caregiving for only children can become even more arduous, as they have no immediate support system. In this case, only children must become even more aware of outside individuals, businesses and services available to help them. Remember, whether you have siblings or are an only child, seek respite time. Getting away from the situation is necessary. You cannot do it all.

Parking the Car - Permanently

It is one of the most contentious issues between an aging parent and a family caregiver ... driving. Just when should a senior give up the car keys?

Legally, one must consider one's own provincial/territorial legislation - part of which will be to ensure public safety on all public roads and highways. Emotionally, it is a completely different matter! After a lifetime of driving a much-loved vehicle, seniors don't often feel obliging to simply parking the car - permanently. However, for the safety of your parent, yourself and other motorists and pedestrians, you must step in.

Depending on your own city / town, there are often numerous transportation alternatives for a senior: family members acting as chaffeurs, taxis, public transit and senior's driving services. You must seek out these options and convince your parent that these are viable choices. Expect your parent to remain stubborn - winning this argument is much like a parent convincing a child to finish eating his/her vegetables. This will take both resourcefulness and creativity on your part. If you need some help getting started, here are a few proven suggestions:

Disregard your parent's age when making this decision. How old Mom or Dad is currently is of little importance ... the primary concern will be his/her abilities behind the steering wheel.

Enlist your loved one's doctor or the local police department. Such professionals are more frequently listened to than family caregivers.

Supply Mom or Dad a set of non-functioning car keys. This may seem a little devious; however, you can guarantee that the parental car will never leave the garage or driveway without your knowing about it.

Sell the parental car. List this privately or offer it to a second-hand vehicle dealer. When the time came for my mother to stop driving, I returned her (then new!) car to the dealer where she had purchased this just a couple of months prior. The dealer was delighted to take this car back as it remained in premium condition and had very low mileage.

Present your case as a collective body. If you can discuss this issue with other siblings present, do so. It may help you actually rehearse what you are going to say (role play!) and remember not to "gang up" on your parent.

Change your focus. Instead of arguing with Mom or Dad that they cannot drive anymore (an argument you will rarely win ...), approach the discussion more calmly. Explain that you are worried for their safety ... how can Mom or Dad disbelieve that?

Choosing a Long-Term Care Facility

Choosing a long-term care facility for your parent requires great care on your part. Understand first that all long-term care facilities throughout our country are not created equally; clarify that the property you are considering is appropriate for your own mother or father. To begin with, your parent(s) may function quite well living somewhat independentally; however, he/she may have to be moved into a continuing care property where more extensive care services will be provided. Although researching such facilities may be trying, you must physically tour these properties, ask questions and be comfortable with your own decision. Here are a few considerations to keep in mind:

Cost: Your parent's care may become very expensive. What does care cost at each property? Can this cost be subsidized, based on your parent's income? How much does extra care (i.e. a private room) add to the price?

Location: You and your family will want convenient access to visit. Consider the neighbourhood - is the facility close to shopping, a doctor's office, coffee shops and/or a park? If you are not driving, ensure that you can still easily access the facility by public transit (is this bus service more limited on evenings and/or weekends?). Family caregivers who own vehicles should evaluate the availability of visitor parking on-site.

Building appearance and upkeep: Scan the exterior of each facility as you approach it. Could the building use a fresh coat of paint? Do trees and/or hedges need trimming? In the wintertime, are the sidewalks cleared of ice and snow? When entering the facility, be aware of how clean it is. Are there any spills or unpleasant odors? By all means, explore the less-travelled areas (e.g. kitchens, public washrooms and/or stairwells) to confirm these are not ignored by either housekeeping or maintenance staff.

Care staff to resident ratio: How many care staff are on-duty during the day and how many residents is each responsible for? Note that the number of paid care staff can decline overnight when residents are likely sleeping. While assessing this ratio, also ask about the expertise of the staff. How familiar is the staff with your own parent's health condition?

Respecting Respite

Caregivers are recognized for the care they provide to others; however, they often overlook their own self-care in the process. Perhaps a caregiver feels that he/she is too busy to take a break or feels irresponsible for doing so. Taking some personal time is not a selfish act; it is, in fact, crucial for caregivers as a means to maintain their own good emotional, mental and physical health. The question often asked is, "How can you, as a caregiver, effectively and properly take care of a loved one when you fail to effectively and properly take care of yourself?"

Taking a break is called respite. You can do anything during this time, as long it is something you enjoy. This will be your own personal "me" time. Respite breaks do not have to be long or expensive ... here are three quick ideas:

Go for a Walk: There is nothing like fresh air and exercise to clear one's head. You don't even have to have a destination in-mind. By all means, do not use inclement weather as an excuse to not get outside. Walking has to be one of the simplest and most cost-effective means of exercise ... all you need is a good pair of shoes and you are ready to go.

Get Together with Friends: Note that I said "friends" here and not "family". Should you socialize with your family, the topic of conversation could easily swing back to parental issues. You will want to avoid this. Whatever you speak of with friends, make sure you dialogue about anything but your own caregiving responsibilities.

Read: Do not read up on your parent's health condition. Instead, choose your own favourite author or genre. When I was seeking respite time during my caregiving years, I always enjoyed curling in in my favourite coffee shop and reading the daily newspaper.

As you can see, planning respite breaks is not difficult. In fact, the easier you make your own respite time, the easier it will be to commit to this. Take an hour - regularly - for yourself. You will return to caregiving less stressed and far happier. Once again, taking time for you is not a selfish act.

Now It's Dad's Turn to Hold My Hand Like a Little Child

I am continually fascinated when hearing why writers write ... this could be to share, to teach, to encourage and to even cope. My reasons for writing "Caregiver's Guide for Canadians" involved all of these. As a former caregiver myself (Mom had Leukemia and Dad had Alzheimer's disease), I relied on the craft of writing to reduce my increased stress. One of my many caregiver -related articles was published in the Edmonton Journal on Father's Day, 2002. Entitled "Now It's Dad Turn to Hold My Hand Like a Little Child", this story focused on the changing relevance of Father's Day. I share this below:


Now It's Dad's Turn to Hold My Hand Like a Little Child

He is twice my age, yet holds my hand like a little boy. he, however, does not think slingshots, baseball or how to avoid taking a bath. Nor does he gleefully pull a girl's pigtails, chase the family cat or hide a frog in his pocket. This little boy is my father.

Following the day of Dad's Alzheimer's diagnosis, my life has changed dramatically. I have gone from being a son to being a caregiver to being forgotten. Warm smiles of recognition have been replaced by formal handshakes - as if we were meeting for the very first time. Officially, I have become joint Guardian and alternate Trustee for Dad and have had to make many decisions for him. My acquired responsibilities have included banking, chaffeuring him to doctor's appointments and watching for unforeseen dangers when we walk.

I have tied Dad's shoelaces, zipped up his jacket and ensured he was wearing long underwear in the winter. I have searched for hours looking for his missing glasses and silently blessed his real teeth, which, unlike dentures, do not go astray. I have patiently listened to his endless repeating of questions and stories. I have often lain awake long into the night, recollecting tomorrow's schedule or fearing if he has fallen from his bed. Life as a caregiver has been stressful and challenging.

In the search for suitable care, Dad has been moved three times in the last five years. Considerable effort has been made to make each stop feel like home but there is less and less storage space for Dad's personal belongings. His current room holds little more than a bed and small bookshelf, cluttered with family photographs, books and various objets d'art. Each of these items, the quilt on his bed and his clothes were all painstakingly labelled for identification.

The level of care at Dad's current home is excellent; however, it has been difficult for me to accept him being there. The salmon-painted hallways are intended, ironically, to soothe those who walk among them - I have cursed these corridors. The shared rooms and privacy curtains seem very institutional and offer proof of Dad's decline. Learning more about Alzheimer's disease has not been easy - this affirms that Dad is not who he once was and will never be the same again.

Dad's further weakening, both mentally and physically, is characteristic of this disease and has to be one of the hardest things to watch. There is absolutely nothing I can do. Here was an intelligent man, professional and highly regarded. I remember him leading vigorous family hikes up steep mountain trails; now, he is hunched over and can barely walk a few blocks without tiring. He has become a shadow of who he once was. I, in turn, have become someone I never knew or expected to become - the adult in this relationship.

Judging by his boyish smile these days, I sense Dad is content. Perhaps he is remembering playing with a slingshot. His communication skills have been reduced to mumbles so I can only guess what he is thinking. Seeing him happy makes me more accepting. I will certainly continue to accept my responsibilities but no longer think I have to do it all. Life continues. My biggest regret is that I never knew this man and never will.

Today is Father's Day. At this time, I have mixed feelings. I know the day means nothing to Dad yet it still holds significance for me. Dementia is robbing my father of his memories but it can never rob the fact that Dad will always be Dad - he taught me how to tie my shoelaces and how to drive his car.

For his patience and for his courage, as well as for his being the best father he could be, I'd like to sincerely thank him and wish him, "Happy Father's Day, Dad."

Top 10 Tips for Caregivers

How can a caregiver provide the best care for a loved one? Here, in no particular order, are my top 10 tips for family caregivers to remember:

Schedule personal respite time. Allow yourself to take a break from your caregiving responsibilities. Doing this is not selfish. You will return more relaxed and become a better caregiver for doing so.

Learn about your loved one's health condition. With knowing the symptoms and the prognosis, you can better communicate with presiding health care professionals.

Look after your own health. Rest, eat well and visit your own doctor on a regular basis. On a related note, watch how you move, turn and lift as a caregiver. Be gentle to your back.

Accept outside offers of help. When someone within your social circle is willing to help, be gracious and recognize that.

Delegate others to help. Reach out to family members, friends, senior's support services and so on to relieve you of assuming all the responsibilities yourself.

Trust your instincts. That little voice inside of you is, more often than not, correct.

Advocate for your loved one. When your parent can no longer speak for him/herself, it is your job as a caregiver to protect his/her individual rights.

Seek support from other caregivers. Take comfort and learn from other caregivers who have walked in these same shoes. Join a community support group or seek out an option on-line.

Allow ample time to grieve. Grieving is a personal process - no one can tell you how best to grieve nor how long this may take. Understand that grieving may occur at different stages of aging and/or decline.

Keep yourself balanced and organized. Caregivers typically have to juggle their own careers, family lives and outside interests while providing care. Know where the important information can be found, retain business cards of caregiving contats and photocopy the vital paperwork.