Are You Prepared for Caregiving?

With our country’s rapidly aging population, the day may well come when you must provide (or help to provide) care for an aging parent/friend/partner. Regrettably, many potential caregivers completely disregard this fact and are caught unaware. I speak from personal experience as I once thought that both Mom and Dad were the pictures of good health. Maybe so at one time; however, getting older is a fact of life and as we age, our health can decline.

The road from maintaining good health to requiring complete medical care and placement in a long-term care facility isn’t easy for either a senior or a family caregiver. Family members must take on new responsibilities as caregivers, balance their own lives and watch as Mom/Dad mentally and physically weakens. If remaining cognitively aware, Mom/Dad may realize that they are losing their prized independence and must hand over much of that control to their children. Whether it is his/her own car keys or complete decision-making ability, nobody, young or old, likes to give up something he/she knows and loves. You can make this process easier for all parties involved with getting ready.

Prepare Yourself Emotionally. As a caregiver, your emotions will run the gamut. When Dad was in his care home, there were days I laughed, cried, felt frustrated and didn’t even know what to feel. Often, there is nothing a caregiver can do but stand by and helplessly watch. Whether the process is slow or quick, losing a loved one (or even the thought of losing this special person) can be immensely challenging and rightly so – you are losing someone you love and care for deeply. To better manage, build yourself a strong support circle; these will be the people you know and trust the most. Most importantly, they will be empathetic to your situation. Support groups, offered through senior’s organizations and health associations, can be another option. These will provide a safe environment where caregivers can share and learn from each other. Admitting to yourself, and others, that you need help — from whatever source — at this time is not a sign of personal weakness.

Examine Your Own Family’s Medical History. Did a great-grandmother have cancer or did a great-grandfather suffer from heart disease? If the ailment is hereditary, another relative may be stricken with the same condition. Before Mom/Dad ends up requiring eldercare, take some time to learn about the specific condition. Search the Internet (be wary of the source of information – what are the writer’s credentials?), visit your local library or, best of all, ask your family doctor what to expect.

Read the Will. Many of the most difficult decisions may have already been made by a senior when he/she was better able to do so. While acting on these requests can become intense, you and your siblings can find comfort in that you do not have to decide what might be best for a dependent adult who may not be able to decide what is best for him/her. Having a set route to take greatly reduces the anxiety and potential squabbling between family members who are trying to decide what may be most appropriate.

Moving and Downsizing a Parent

When the time comes to move Mom/Dad into a retirement home, you will have to downsize and declutter. Care home resident rooms are considerably smaller than a former home and completely lack the storage space available in a garage, attic or basement. With a lifetime of prized parental possessions stockpiled, how do you best cut back?

Filter through your loved one’s possessions and set aside any items spoken for by family members. Mom/Dad’s old couch could find new life with a younger child just moving out. Once siblings have been designated certain mementoes, look for new homes for other possessions. Perhaps Dad’s collection of books could be sold to a used-book dealer (give the proceeds to a recognized charity) or donated to a local library?

You will have no argument from me that doing this can be intensely difficult. Great sentimental value can be attached to any number of parental belongings. As care homes in any city/town do not provide a great deal of space for residents though, purging becomes necessary. Start small and work your way up from there. Be patient with yourself and others as you are faced with making some very difficult emotional decisions.

If you cannot come to a satisfactory decision immediately as to what to do with something belonging to Mom/Dad, that’s okay. Just delegate a family member to make a decision by a certain date. Without a deadline, you may well stall coming to any conclusion. Another option for you could be to consider a professional senior’s moving service. Here, the company’s staff can pack and move a parent without becoming emotionally involved.

What will effectively fit into Mom/Dad’s new elderly home? What will remain useful? A deep plush armchair, for example, may have been once very comfortable but now may trap a senior who will not, necessarily, have the strength to push him/herself upright. Replace that armchair with a more practical lift chair, which smoothly raises and lowers the senior. Such lift chairs come in many different styles; get the model and size of chair which best suits your loved one. Consider also if something has additional value. When my family moved my father into his long-term care home, we provided a small bookshelf which not only housed a few precious books but also family photographs. We asked a local carpenter to install small wheels in the bookshelf base so it could be rolled away for ease of sweeping and mopping underneath.

Resist the urge to simply pack everything away in a paid storage facility as monthly fees can quickly add up and become an increased financial burden. Items out of sight are not necessarily out of mind. Additionally, do not squeeze everything into your own garage, basement or attic. You may need some time to make some difficult emotional decisions (as to what to do with Mom/Dad’s “stuff”); however, this does not mean that you should hang onto these items permanently. Retaining parental belongings can, in fact, delay your healthy grieving process as you will have constant reminders.

Winter Woes for Seniors

The first snowfall of each season brings both joy and surprise for many ... it also brings numerous dangers for seniors that caregivers must be well aware about.

Increased cold: Chillier temperatures can bite through even the warmest clothing. Seniors, with their older bones, will feel this more. Ensure that prior to taking your loved one outside, bundle him/her up appropriately. Layers are best as this technique provides extra insulation while offering the flexibility of removing extra clothes while inside. Provide a pair of mittens (which are far cozier than gloves) for your senior as well as a warm hat (much of a person's body heat can escape through an exposed head). In extreme cold, thermal long underwear may be a necessity. Boots, of course, will round out a senior's winter wardrobe - ensure these fit comfortably.

Reduced traction: Any of us can slide on an icy sidewalk; however, seniors are more prone to do so as they often lose their ability to balance and quickly recover from a stumble. Boots (and any senior's footwear) should be flat-soled and have good treads. Remain close by a senior's side to offer a supportive hand, when necessary ... be especially mindful when a senior is ascending/descending stairs or climbing into/out of a car.

In winter, few people like to be outside for too long; however, trips (to shop, to visit with family/friends, to see the doctor, etc.) will become necessary. Taking a few precautions will make these chilly excursions far more comfortable as well as safer! Stay warm!

Caregiving Tips - Reprinted from 50Plus.com

Imagine, for a moment, a motocross circuit. Professional motorcyclists pit themselves and their roaring machines against each other and the challenging terrain. Despite looping around the same course repeatedly, these riders often do not know what lies ahead. There may well be an unexpected bump to fly over or a fallen rider to avoid.

I can easily draw a comparison between the dusty and often bruised motorcyclists and caregivers. Caregivers also cannot anticipate everything that will come their way, nor can they as this is often uncharted territory. There is no caregiver training manual to teach caregivers what to expect.

While help and guidance are available for caregivers (through senior’s associations, family doctors, hospitals, day programs, churches and so on), it is often up to the individual to seek out these resources. As a former caregiver (Mom had Parkinson’s disease and Leukemia while Dad had Alzheimer’s disease), I quickly learned that I had to ask many questions about where to find help and, without any related professional healthcare experience, my decisions were often made by trial and error… if I made a choice which turned out to be not appropriate or effective, I had to return to the drawing table.

Whether you are a prospective or current caregiver, you will want to provide the best care for your loved one (a parent, friend or spouse). While there is no set agenda with how you achieve this, there are many things for you to remember. Here, in no particular order, are my top 10 tips for family caregivers to consider:

Schedule personal respite time. Allow yourself to take a break from your caregiving responsibilities. As a caregiver, you will naturally focus your time, attention and energy on another person’s needs; however, you cannot overlook your own health and wellbeing. Remove the horse blinders from your eyes! Remembering “you” is not selfish. Take an hour to sip a cup of coffee, meet a friend or walk the dog. You will return more relaxed and become a better caregiver for doing so.

Learn about your loved one’s health condition. By knowing the symptoms and the prognosis, you can better communicate with presiding health care professionals. Ask your family doctor, read up on the subject at your local library or check out the Internet (just remain wary of the on-line source).

Look after your own health. Rest, eat well and visit your own doctor on a regular basis. This is similar to scheduling personal respite time… if you do not properly care for yourself, you cannot properly care for someone else. On a related note, watch how you move, turn and lift as a caregiver. Be gentle to your back.

Accept outside offers of help. When someone within your social circle is willing to help, be gracious — and accept it.

Delegate others to help. Reach out to family members, friends, senior’s support services and so on to relieve you of assuming all the responsibilities yourself. Remember, that many hands make light work and you cannot do everything alone.

Trust your instincts. That little voice inside of you is, more often than not, correct. If you feel that something is wrong, chances are good that you should not proceed.

Advocate for your loved one. When your parent can no longer speak for him/herself, it is your job as a caregiver to protect his/her individual rights. Speak up and speak often!

Seek support from other caregivers. Take comfort and learn from other caregivers who have walked in these same shoes. Join a community support group or seek out an option on-line. With having seen and experienced much themselves, other caregivers can often teach you and/or recommend best practices in varying situations.

Allow ample time to grieve. Grieving is a personal process — no one can tell you how best to grieve or how long this may take. Understand that grieving may occur at different stages of aging or decline.

Keep yourself balanced and organized. Caregivers typically have to juggle their own careers, family lives and outside interests while providing care. Know where the important information can be found, retain business cards of caregiving contacts and photocopy the vital paperwork.

Saying "Yes" and "No"

Caregivers need to know when to say, “Yes” and when to say, “No”. Far too often, however, caregivers remain silent instead of speaking up.

Let’s face facts … caregivers often load far too much on their plates and then become stressed out or unhealthy due to having too much on their plates. Other family members, friends, neighbours and so on can easily realize this and offer to help. When this happens, take off your “Super Caregiver” costume and let others assist. You cannot – and should not – try to manage everything independently. Agreeing to help will make your job much easier and more manageable. Maybe you won’t have to take the afternoon off of work to accompany a parent to the doctor’s office? Perhaps a sibling could pick up the groceries for you this week? Might a friendly neighbour have a snowblower and offer to save you the back-breaking work of shoveling snow?

Conversely, caregivers also need to learn to say “No” when things become uncomfortable or overwhelming. Years ago when my parents remained alive but were failing health-wise, I recall declining an invitation to attend a work Christmas party … I was simply not in the mood to celebrate. While I was nervous to explain this, my office colleagues understood and were supportive of my decision. I did not join in the fun that year and my world did not come crashing down around me!

So, when you need a hand, please ask for it and accept help when offered from others. When you feel like the walls are closing in around you, it’s okay to say “no”. Trust me, you will feel better for saying something!

Do You "Care" or Do You "Do"?

Imagine that Mom can't bend over to tie her shoes or Dad may struggle to pull himself out of his favourite armchair. What will you do? Do you simply offer to lace up the shoes for your mother or heave Dad upright? With only assisting, where and when necessary, the senior can maintain a sense of dignity and independence for as long as possible. This is important as it provides for a better quality of life. It's also important for caregivers to differentiate between the two terms of caring and doing.

Is there not a sense of pride in getting things done yourself? Whether it is vacuuming the living room, defrosting the freezer or tackling your income taxes, a person can often feel great accomplishment in getting the job completed. No matter how old you are, I believe this feeling still lasts. While it may seem easier for you to just do whatever needs to be done, encourage Mom or Dad to remain independent and challenge them to function for themselves.

Know that there are many excellent products on the market today to help a senior function independently and safely in his/her own home. Grab bars for the bathroom, a stair lift to transport a senior from the main floor to the second floor, bath chairs and so on. Drop into your neighbourhood healthcare supply store and scour the shelves ... I did this once recently and was absolutely amazed at what was available. If you cannot find what you are looking for, just ask the store staff ... they are there to help you. Even if a product is not currently in-stock, technology is always changing and something may well be designed.

Preparing for the Podium

I have been working feverishly for the past several weeks on preparing and rehearsing a speech - scheduled for early this week. As an author, I have been invited in to visit a local senior's centre where I plan to discuss caregiving and share a few choice excerpts from my book. Admittedly, public speaking has never been my strongest point (writers much prefer the solitude of their own computers rather than being out in the public eye) so this is a nerve-wracking experience, due largely to the fact that I remain unsure of how large my audience will be.

It occurred to me that caregivers can - and do - experience similar anxieties. Without knowing exactly what they are getting into or what lies ahead, there may be good reason to balk. Caregivers may end up asking themselves all types of questions: "How can I help?" "What will happen to Mom/Dad?" Granted, there have been some times in the past several weeks when I have wondered silently if I can actually pull this speech off ... I believe that caregivers often question their own abilities as well.

My best advice? Grab the bull by the horns and do it anyways! As the old saying goes, "Practice makes perfect". You may well surprise yourself by both excelling in the role and learning a few things along the way.

When I helped to care for both my mother and father, I know I stepped out of my own comfort zone; however, I did live to tell the tale. Serving as a caregiver may well be foreign to you; however, we often encounter new challenges in our lives ... is it better to run from these challenges or face them directly?

Caregiving - Not Just for Close Family

Who can provide care to a senior? It's not a trick question! Truly, anybody who is willing and able to do so. In today's society, we, typically, think first of close family members providing eldercare ... maybe a daughter is now handling the banking, a son is shovelling sidewalks clear of snow or a husband is helping his wife get bathed and dressed in the morning.

Many other people can - and do - become directly or indirectly involved with eldercare. I am thinking of friends, extended family and even neighbours who can also help share the responsibilities. A friend of mine and fellow writer (you can find her on-line at http://kenna-thescribe.blogspot.com) in-fact mentioned to me once that she regularly visits an elderly woman. As this woman is going blind, one thing my friend does is open and read her mail. Does my friend consider herself a caregiver? Ironically, no. I would argue with her; however, she chooses to remain anonymous.

Is this just the way life works? Why do some people not classify themselves as caregivers? No matter whether you are extended family, a friend or a neighbour, you still play an important role in the entire process of aiding a loved one. Please recognize and acknowledge this.

Once a Friend, Always a Friend ...

The value of friendship can never be denied. A good friend is one who shares your interests, is enjoyable to just hang out with and is supportive.

Good friends are extremely important to caregivers looking after a parent/friend/partner. These can be emotionally trying times and caregivers will need to vent to effectively reduce pent up stress. A good friend will be there when needed to provide a few encouraging words or a sympathetic shoulder to cry on.

I well remember one good friend of mine who was there prior to and following my parent's deaths. We had a number of coffees and he allowed me to remember, without passing judgment. Having him there to simply listen in my time of need was immensely helpful.

Caregiving provides you the opportunity to identify your good friends. It can also quickly weed out those individuals who are not your true friends - these will be the people who disappear in your time of need, do not return your phone calls/e-mails and are never available to meet. Granted, caregiving can be a weighty topic, but a good friend will understand.

Remember to thank your friends for helping you ... a card, gift certificate or flowers will be valued. Doing this will illustrate to your friends what they mean to you and how much you appreciate how they have helped you.

Glen Campbell - A Silenced Singer

Singer Glen Campbell, now 75 years young, has Alzheimer's disease. Surprised? You shouldn't be! Unfortunately, Alzheimer's can strike anybody - even celebrities are not immune. Personally, I consider this a tragedy - while I was too young to remember "Wichita Lineman", I do well recall Campbell's hits, "Southern Nights" and "Rhinestone Cowboy". Having seen what Alzheimer's disease can do to an individual (my father had the same condition), I sympathize with Campbell's family and friends who watch by.

With Campbell's condition, this raises an interesting question. Just how do you feel about this? You could, like me, feel sad that the singer's life is now dwindling and any memories he still has will soon be lost forever. Alternatively, you may feel glad. This may seem like an oxymoron; however, it seems like anytime a celebrity does anything, it becomes public news ... therefore, Campbell's diagnosis may well increase the public profile of Alzheimer's disease and push scientists harder to find a permanent cure.

In the meantime, Alzheimer's disease regrettably steals another life. Family is left to mourn and fans are left to remember. It matters little who you are or what you do in life ... you, or someone you know, may become a victim. I just thought that Campbell's diagnosis would provide some food for thought. Think about it ... there may be a light at the end of the tunnel here. I can only keep my fingers crossed for a cure which cannot come soon enough.

Caregiving and Champagne - There is a Connection ...

Did your parents ever hire a babysitter to mind you for a few hours while they got out for the evening? It is quite likely that they did this. The reason for parents doing so seems quite apparent - they will love their children dearly, but they will require some time for themselves whether to just blow off some steam or rekindle a romance. Now, that the tables are turned and you are providing care for a parent/friend/spouse, do you not deserve the same privilege?

Yes. As a caregiver, there is a great deal of associated stress involved ... trust me, I know that the job is not easy! For your own health and sanity, you must find a way to safely release that stress otherwise you may be heading for a disaster and blow up at the most inopportune time and at the most unsuspecting individual. Consider a bottle of champagne for a moment ... if you loosen the wire on the top of the bottle, the cork may pop off without any notice at all. If your champagne bottle is sitting in a well of ice, the cork may well fly up and break a number of bar glasses hanging above. This leads you to an extensive clean-up where you must melt down the ice, wipe out the well for tiny glass chards and replace the ice.

My point here is simple ... always take care of yourself, first and foremost, to avoid potential disaster. If you don't like the idea of hiring a "babysitter" for your loved one, there are ample other more appropriate terms: caregiver, care aide, support worker and so on. Don't overlook that additional help can be provided by not only individuals but also by companies or organizations. Just one example of this would be a hospital day program. Such programs will provide qualified staff to care for your loved one for a longer period of time while you can escape. To find a day program, pick up your phone and start calling some local hospitals. Make sure you visit each program to confirm what they offer before registering your loved one. The same can be said for hiring an individual to provide additional care - a personal meeting will be best to gauge his/her interest in and aptitude for the position you are offering.

Mom and Dad were onto a good thing with babysitters ... while you may prefer to handle your loved one's affairs personally, there is nothing wrong with minding your own health as well by stepping away occasionally. In fact, I strongly recommend that you do so!

How to Find Professional Caregiving Help

When caregiving, there may come a time when you will both need and appreciate some extra help to provide care for an aging parent/friend or spouse. With increased responsibilities along with any straggling emotional baggage, it can be immensely difficult for a caregiver to go it alone. Outside help can be of tremendous value to a caregiver … these are professionals who have previous related experience with any number of health conditions. They will know what to do, when to do it and how to do it. Equally important, involving a healthcare professional in your loved one’s care will free up your own time to enjoy some much-needed respite.

The questions are not so much when to reach out for additional help (this will vary dramatically based on a situation and one’s readiness to make that decision), but instead how do you find, hire and involve these workers with your loved one? This is a serious matter … you must find someone who is experienced, qualified, responsible, trustworthy and conscientious.

To find professional healthcare staff, you will have numerous options. First, check your city’s telephone directory under “Senior Care” to locate local businesses which can be of service to you. Considering our country’s rapidly aging population, such companies are sprouting up – this is a very good business to be in. With the increasing number of senior support services opening, you should exercise caution that your choice is bonafide. Has the staff undergone criminal checks? Are they bonded? Can they provide references? Does the staff have related experience with your loved one’s health condition? What does the business charge? Do you want to hire full-time or part-time help (perhaps you or another family member can assist so as to cut the costs). If you cannot find suitable local help, can you look farther? Note that more distant care companies may charge additional mileage for their workers to visit. Don’t be shy with asking questions. After all, you are representing your loved one’s best interests.

When it comes to hiring from an agency, take note that such places cannot guarantee the same worker each and every time. Having a different face show up may easily confuse an aging senior.

Second, you could advertise in your local newspaper’s Classified Ads. When my family was searching for someone to help manage Dad’s care, we placed a “Help Wanted” ad. This ad was not that costly and ran over the course of a weekend to ensure the best readership. Collect resumes and schedule personal interviews. You won’t be able to best judge an applicant’s character and/or personality when communicating by telephone or e-mail. As with a healthcare agency, screen a potential hire carefully and completely.

Third, ask around. Your own family, friends and/or business colleagues may be a wealth of information. You can also step outside your immediate social circle … does your loved one’s doctor know of someone who might be able to help you? Perhaps someone will know of someone that he/she could recommend? Maybe you could post an ad on a bulletin board at your neighbourhood grocery store or in your church newsletter? If Mom/Dad is in a care facility, mention your job opening to the facility staff. It is quite possible that these employees may well work a combination of part-time jobs and may wish to substantiate their income. If nothing else, perhaps one of the facility staff may be able to recommend someone else?

Communicating Without Words

With walking though a local shopping mall yesterday, I spotted an elderly couple happily strolling along hand-in-hand - a touching sight! I was reminded that I did this myself with my father in his later years ... Alzheimer's disease had robbed him of his abilities to speak.

Hand-holding provides a means of unspoken communication ... it provides a means to connect with someone when you either have nothing to say or someone has the inability to respond. A warm touch or a gentle squeeze shares a strong message.

Carrying this idea further, there are ample other opportunities for continued physical contact even when your loved one is in long-term care. If a person remains bed-bound, you could provide a soothing shoulder massage. Should someone be more mobile, try hugging him/her.

Whatever you do with offering physical contact, do so slowly and gently as not to raise undue alarm. If a senior can still understand and communicate, ask for permission.

With thinking back to the elderly couple in the mall, hand-holding showed the world they loved and cared for each other. Far more importantly, hand-holding showed each couple partner the love and commitment he/she shared with the other. On your next visit to see Mom/Dad, try this out for yourself ... it is such an easy thing to do and it means so much.

Caregiving Costs - Are These Affordable?

I recently guested on CBC Radio's Alberta@Noon program (hosted by Donna McGelligott). The show is based out of Calgary but was broadcast to a provincial audience ... Donna introduced me, asked me some preliminary questions about my own caregiving experience and my book and then opened up the phone lines to take some live calls.

During this live Q & A session, I was asked about caregiving expenses ... how much can a family expect to pay for care for their loved one? I didn't have that information with me so I wanted to share what I found later through this blog.

Caregiving expenses, of course, can vary dramatically ... this will depend on the type of facility you place Mom or Dad in as well as the amount of outside help you hire. Continuing care facilities offer different programs and services and there will be extra charges (please watch out for hidden costs). In addition, there are both subsidized long-term care facilities as well as more and more private retirement care facilities springing up. The price differences here are astronomical! Are you sitting down? Here are the approximate costs (which can also differ dramatically, based on where you live in Canada):

Room in a subsidized long-term care facility = $1,600 - $2,100/month
Room in a private care facility = $2,400 - $9,000/month
Hiring a personal service worker = $20 - $25.00/hour
Hiring a Licensed Practical Nurse (LPN) = $50 - $60.00/hour
Hiring a Live-in Caregiver = $20,000 - $25,000/year
Retrofitting a Senior's Home to Remain Livable = $15,000 - $25,000

Ouch! Yes, the costs associated with caring for Mom or Dad can hurt. Even if your family is financially comfortable, paying these amounts can prove to be a hardship. Here's hoping I have now answered that question and I have one in return ... can you and your family afford to support Mom or Dad?

Remembering Dad

The favourite steaming cup of coffee - "Hot as hell and black as mud", as he used to describe it ... the family skiing and hiking trips ... the reading of stories out loud at bedtime ... these are among my memories of my father. Dad succumbed to Alzheimer's disease and passed away on June 20, 2004 at 79.

Although Alzheimer's steals memories and transforms an individual into a shell of who he/she once was, Dad always remained his dignified, patient self. But watching the condition gradually take my father away from me remains as one of the hardest things I have ever experienced. I often say that I lost father twice - once when he forgot who I was and again when he died.

As a quiet man, Dad didn't share much of his life -even with his own family. What I do know is that he was born as an only child and his own father died when Dad was quite young. Dad always loved books and grew to share his passion as a University English professor. I still regret not knowing more and never thinking to ask until his final years when it was too late ... by then, Dad had lost his ability to speak. Alzheimer's disease turned out to be a blessing in disguise ... the condition knocked down Dad's thick walls of privacy and revealed him for who he really was - a caring, generous but reserved man.

Thank you Dad for sharing what you did with me - my gifts from him include his favourite walking hat, an admiration of mountains and a love of writing.

The Changing Significance of Holidays

Holidays take on a completely different meaning after a loved one passes. I am reminded of this with Father's Day fast-approaching. Father's Day was the last day I saw Dad alive ... the family had a nice dinner with him and he seemed to be in good health and in good spirits. We walked him back to his room afterward and I hugged him good-bye (how was I to know that this would be the final hug I would ever give him?). The very next night I received an unexpected and tragic phone call from the LPN on-duty at Dad's continuing care centre to explain that Dad had just died ... care staff were putting him to bed and he appeared to have a stroke.

So, as many others celebrate their fathers on Father's Day, I am routinely reminded of his death. I don't write this to solicit pity ... it is simply an observation that Father's Day has become far more for me than giving Dad a tacky tie. I continue to honour and remember Dad and offer this advice to you to do the same when the time comes. While the memories of Mom/Dad will long remain, your life will continue. Grieving, as I have heard and believe, is a personal process and cannot be rushed.

So, how can you remember and honour your loved one on holidays? The choice remains yours but here are a few suggestions:

Partake in something your loved one enjoyed. With Dad always appreciating a good walk, I will likely get out and stretch my legs for a while. What did your parent love to do? Can you continue this tradition?

Read old letters. Did you save old correspondence between you and your parent(s)? If so, you can dig out these old letters. By reading them again, you can remember the special times.

Donate to a charity. Was there a cause near and dear to your own mother's/father's heart? If so, make a donation in your parent's name.

Remember: Take some time to visit with your other family members to recall and share stories from the past. Dad liked to read out loud to me and my sisters ... with this story being frequently told, it speaks volumes as to the importance of this activity for each of us.

Create new traditions. While you can keep many of the family traditions, why not introduce new ones? I am thinking more of Christmas right now when another family member could carve the roasted turkey.

Holidays do not have to be filled with sorrow. When you are ready to do so, look at ways to create new memories and make those holidays more joyful.

Keeping an Eye On the Little Things

I would like to stress that that even a "continuing care" facility does not provide "complete" care for your aging mother or father. Facility staff will be far too busy to tend to many of the little things, so please do not assume these will be done for you. Many of these smaller comforts will be left up to you to manage. In addition to the multiple tasks you are already juggling, here a few additional responsibilities that you may wish to consider:

Doing laundry: Yes, continuing care facilities do offer laundry service, but you may wish to launder fine washables yourself. This way you can avoid any possible accidents where a sweater, for example, might get accidentally tossed in a dryer and shrink. When you do such laundry yourself at home, you can ensure that clothing can be hung dry instead.

Fluffing pillows: Is Mom or Dad's bed pillow looking a little "used"? Check on this during your next visit and "fluff up" that pillow for increased comfort.

Cleaning out hairbrushes and/or razors: Excessive hair can build up in either and make the brush or razor unusable. Take a few minutes to pull out or brush out the hair. While doing this, you can also check the razor blades and batteries (if this is a cordless model of shaver) to make sure neither needs to be replaced.

Dusting: My family had supplied my father with a small bookshelf for his room. We thought that with Dad being a former English professor, the bookshelf would provide some familiarity. With the facility care staff being too busy to do so, I regularly dusted this bookshelf. On a related note, we also hired a handyman to install small wheels on the base of this bookshelf; by doing so, the shelf (even when fully loaded) could be easily rolled away to be swept behind.

Guardianship and Trusteeship - What are the Differences?

When it comes time to minding your parental matters, you may do so voluntarily or by legal appointment as either guardian or trustee, or both. While I am not a lawyer, I know and understand that these two terms can be easily confused. Here is a nutshell definition of each:

A guardian will become responsible for a dependent adult's lifestyle choices (e.g. where he/she lives and who can care for him her).

A trustee will become responsible for a dependent adult's financial matters (e.g. collecting income tax slips, making investment decisions and accounting for purchases made with using the dependent adult's own money).

As either a guardian or trustee, you will receive official court-issued orders. You will need to distribute these orders to others for them to retain in their files - for instance, such as one to your parent's doctor's office, your parent's bank, your parent's long-term care centre and so on.

Guardianship and trusteeship are very different levels of care so it is vital to differentiate between them. You may learn at a wrong time that you do not have the authority to make a key decision.

As a guardian or trustee, you must also be completely trustworthy, ethical and hold integrity.. Your parents will frequently appoint their own trustees (commonly, the oldest child); however, such decisions can be overturned if necessary. Please keep in mind that overturning a trusteeship can be a complicated - and, potentially, a very messy matter so proceed with this decision only when there is no other choice.

To learn more about guardianship and/or trusteeship, please consult with a lawyer. You may also want to approach local senior's associations for help. My family discovered a senior's association in our city which featured a person on-staff who guided us along the way. With this "desk method", the family was responsible for serving the documents and so on, but the cost-savings were significant.

Managing Parental Posessions When Moving

Moving an aging parent into a care facility can be difficult enough; however, what do you do with all the accumulated "stuff" which Mom or Dad owns? There won't be much additional room for storage or family keepsakes at Mom or Dad's new home so you will have to do something with it all. As someone who has helped to move my parents numerous times in their later years, here are just a few ideas which can help you:

Store it: Explore the options for local storage in your city or town. Here, you can rent a storage locker (various sizes are typically available) for either a short or long-term time period. While this is not the ideal answer as the monthly storage charges can add up quickly, you can buy some time until you make some more permanent decisions with what to do with these items.

Donate it: Is there a community service centre/association in your area which can use your parent's old couch or bookshelf? Call around to inquire ... maybe you'll even find someone who will offer pick-up? This will save you both time and effort.

Delegate it: Can you find a new home for any of Mom or Dad's possessions? Is there someone in your family or a neighbour's youngster who has just moved out? That microwave oven or television set could be greatly appreciated by someone just setting up a first apartment.

Discard it: While you may have great sentimental attachment to Mom or Dad's possessions, you must be realistic. You will not be able to keep the full collection of items yourself (although holding onto a number of smaller keepsakes can be a good thing). Work through all of what Mom or Dad owns ... if you do not want something or if you cannot donate or delegate it, then discard it.

By minimizing the amount of parental "stuff", you can reduce your personal stress level.

Protecting Those under Your Care from Scams

Unscrupulous people are, unfortunately, everywhere. They are like vultures perched on tree branches, just waiting to jump on the unsuspecting. Scam artists are increasingly targeting seniors who will not have the personal strength to defend themselves and may not even be able to cry out for help. Seniors going shopping for goods and/or services can also be susceptible. As a caregiver, it becomes your responsibility to watch out for your loved one and protect him/her from being taken advantage of. These are just a few ideas of how to do so:

• Window shop – Whether you are looking for prescriptions, clothes or adaptive equipment, it pays to shop around. Not all retailers will charge the same price for goods. Surprisingly, prices can even vary (quite dramatically) on products sold in stores from the same chain. By telephoning stores to compare prices on products/services available, you can save yourself a lot of time and unnecessary driving around.

• Screen service providers – Anybody coming into Mom/Dad’s home to help out should be checked out thoroughly, Conducting an in-depth interview is a good start, but ensure that you ask for – and follow-up with – a minimum of three professional references. When contacting these references, ask pointed questions … one of my favourites is “Would you hire this person to care for your own Mom or Dad?”. Agencies which provide healthcare staff should make certain that all staff have undergone a criminal check and are bonded.

• Know who you are buying from. Is the sales person or the company familiar to you? Avoid any door-to-door sales people or telemarketers who ask for a cash deposit up-front for a product/service. Don’t give out any personal information (either your own or your parent’s) to someone you don’t recognize. If anything sounds too good to be true, chances are good that this is the case. Any necessary home renovations (e.g. a wheelchair ramp) should be installed/constructed by a reputable contractor. Before hiring a contractor, once again, ask for references from previous jobs done. Call up the Better Business Bureau to check on a contractor’s background. Do not deal with anybody who has a service complaint made against them.

Everybody Has Parents

I recently participated in a local writer's conference with exhibiting in their "Artist's Marketplace" - a place where individuals could promote their products/services for sale to conference attendees. Of the approximately 20 tables set up, the majority of exhibitors were showcasing books for or about writers, so I felt slightly out of place ... my guidebook is about caregiving instead!

At the end of the day, it turned out that my conference experiment turned out to be quite successful ... I had signed and sold eight copies of my book as well as spoken to a good number of interested attendees. Even though I may not sell a copy of my book to others immediately, I am pleased to even introduce the book to others ... I have realized that purchasing my book is a timing decision. Someone may not need it right now; however, he/she may well need it in six/12 months from now.

Through my conference participation, I also was reminded that everybody, no matter what their background, has parents and may well become caregivers in the months or years ahead. Eldercare is an issue which can affect us all. If, and when, you become a caregiver for an aging senior, prepare (as much as possible), take some respite time for yourself as well as seek out and delegate help.

Holiday Celebrating Changes for Caregivers

With now beginning the Easter long weekend, I am reminded how such holidays can be very different and challenging for family caregivers. Mom and/or Dad may not be able to partake in usual family celebrations and traditions may have to be changed. If you are planning a festive Easter dinner in your own home, you can still have Mom or Dad participate. You just have to remain mindful of a few issues.

Start Earlier: An aging parent will not have the same energy as younger members of the family. Therefore, set your table to begin an hour sooner ... there is no reason why you can't eat at 5:00 pm, rather than 6:00 pm. If you are worried about not being hungry, just eat a lighter lunch. By scheduling your dinner earlier, you will have more quality family time to follow - before Mom or Dad starts drifting off.

Clear the Pathways: When having an aging senior visit your home, it's crucial to clean up any clutter. Watch out specifically for any potential tripping hazards on the floor - these could include clothes, extension cords and/or toys. If Mom or Dad falls while visiting you, this could easily turn a family celebration into a family emergency.

Watch Out for Pets: While pets can provide unconditional love to a person, a smaller puppy (for example) can be overly exuberant. The animal's excessive jumping, playing and barking could easily startle or alarm a senior. As above, a small pet may also not recognize the need to move out of the way and could become another tripping hazard.

Supply a Change of Clothes for Mom/Dad: Whether being spilled food or something more serious, accidents can - and do - happen. By having some extra clothes on-hand (whether from Mom or Dad's closet or your own), you can better ensure that your parent remains as comfortable as possible.

By all means, please continue to involve Mom or Dad in your own holidays but consider various adaptations. Happy Holidays!

#2 On the Local Book Bestseller List!

Out of sheer curiosity recently, I "Google" searched my name and book title. Among the numerous listings was a website link to a recently-published local newspaper article. This listed our city's local bestselling books for both fiction and non-fiction categories (as compiled by two local bookstores). Imagine my absolute surprise to spot my own name and book title as #2 under the "Non-Fiction" selections.

I am completely humbled to learn this and can only graciously thank the many readers interested in my work as well as the bookstores which have stocked it. Writing this was a challenge unto itself (for many reasons) and I am delighted to know that my book is helping so many people.

Dementia Strikes Former Alberta Premier

A man well-known for speaking his mind will soon speak no more. Former Alberta premier, Ralph Klein, has been diagnosed with fronto-temporal dementia. This common type of dementia robs an individual of his/her ability to talk. It can be a slow process; however, an individual first can be seen fishing the "right" word(s) more often; this is followed by a complete loss of verbal ability. Whether you loved or hated the folksy "King Ralph", this diagnosis is tragic.

Having undergone a similar diagnosis with my own father (Dad had Alzheimer's disease), I know how emotionally heart-wrenching it can be for a family to watch the imminent decline ... not to mention the individual affected. I sympathize, completely, with Ralph Klein's wife. Dad, as a former English professor, had a strong command of the language at one time; however, this was reduced to nothing more than incoherent mumbles and, sometimes, not even those. Scientists are still searching for a cure, so there is nothing one can do but watch from the sidelines, remain patient plus continue to love and support an aging family member to the best of his/her own abilities.

Ralph Klein, now 68, remains quite young. The typical survival time for those with this condition is seven years.

While I didn't always agree with what Ralph Klein said or acted like, I can't deny he was certainly an outspoken politician who had both drive and spunk plus never hesitated to speak his mind. One has to admire these traits.

Story-Sharing

I've made an interesting observation. In doing a number of book signings and speaking events to-date, I have noticed many people share their caregiving story with me. I can't tell you how many times someone has told me of his/her 76-year-old mother suffering from cancer or his/her 82-year-old father just admitted into long-term care. I greatly sympathize.

With those numbers of stories heard, it seems to me that caregivers WANT to tell their stories. This is a far healthier approach than bottling up the frustrations. Therefore, if you of a caregiver (and chances are high that you do ...), please encourage him/her to share with you.

Please don't feel bad if you cannot offer any constructive advice ... even just listening to a caregiver can be helpful. Allow him/her to talk openly with you and do not be judgmental. Be patient as these stories may be difficult for someone to tell. You don't have to be a professional psychologist or counsellor ... simply provide a couple of ears along with your best understanding.

To help you with this assignment, please consider the following listening tips:

Lean forward: Doing so indicates interest in what someone else is telling you.

Maintain eye contact: As above, this tells someone that you are providing your attention.

Paraphrase: If you are unsure what your friend is speaking about or wish to clarify a point, try repeating the last sentence or two he/she has said. Say something like, "I hear that you are frustrated with trying to balance your own life with that of being a caregiver ... is this right?"

Active listening is a simple skill for you to master. By letting someone release his/her pent-up frustrations, both of you will likely feel far better!

Downsizing? What Do You Do With Furniture?

Downsizing can be difficult enough; however, downsizing an aging parent can be absolutely painful. Much of the problem here lies with an emotional attachment ... something that shines clearly through when moving Mom or Dad to a smaller facility. With the tighter confines of limited space, there is less and less storage space for personal belongings; simply put, not all of the parental furniture can be moved into that single room in long-term care. What's the answer?

Often, family caregivers choose to inherit some of the parental pieces ... these may or may not go with their current decor, but there are strong sentiments involved with Mom's old rocker or Dad's old stereo stand. Family caregivers may typically feel a sense of responsibility to take over the furniture or a sense of loss if they choose to dispose of it too quickly.The other common option is for family caregivers to personally store such larger items in a basement or garage until some later date.

I'd like to suggest two other options which may work well for you. First, why not donate this furniture to a worthy cause? Know that that worn-in armchair will find a new home where it can be completely appreciated. Leaf through your local Yellow Pages and make some calls to non-profit associations to ask about this. Sometimes, pick-up of unneeded items can be arranged to save you the trouble. The second option worth considering is paid storage. Secured storage facilities are popping up more frequently these days; these offer a number of different-sized indoor (heated) and outdoor (non-heated) lockers where you can place furniture or other items you may not be ready to part with as yet. Fill out some quick paperwork, insure the contents (if desired) and you are set to go.

So, as you can see, you don't have to start parking your car on the front street because your garage has piled high with aging furniture. While it will be impossible for your parents to continue using this in long-term care, this does not mean that you have to become fully responsible for it either. Consider the options.

Author Photo from Words in the Park

The author at work promoting his book at the Strathcona Library's "Words in the Park" event ...

Walking in a Caregiver's Shoes

I often wonder about friends of caregivers who try to console by sympathetically saying, "I understand what you're going through". But do they really understand? I personally believe that a person cannot really comprehend what a caregiver goes through unless he/she has done it personally. Maybe that is the "visual" side of me speaking; however, this makes perfect sense as one often has to experience something to truly understand it.

There are far better responses. First, try to learn what you can about your friend's parent's health condition. Go to the library or surf the Internet to gain knowledge. Just please be mindful of the on-line source ... perhaps look at the writer's credentials and/or the date of the last update of the material written. With learning more about a health condition, you can speak more knowledgeably about it.

Second, just listen. As I have learned from getting out in the public eye and promoting my book, caregivers do want to talk - I have heard many stories of aging parents and the related troubles. I believe the key here is for the person caregivers choose to dialogue with must be trustworthy. As for me? Caregivers obviously know that I have gone through a similar experience and I can relate. Yes, I can do so and I can sympathize - another important characteristic. Often, just allowing a caregiver to vent will allow him/her to release some pent up frustration and stress.

Third, ask how you can help. Assistance can take many forms ... perhaps you can look after the caregiver's own children for the day to allow some much-needed respite time? Maybe you can save a caregiver the trip to the grocery store by doing this yourself? Possibly you can shovel their sidewalks clear of snow? As you can see, "help" does not always mean hands-on help. Even the offer of help can be greatly appreciated by a caregiver.

By all means, continue to sympathize and support caregivers, but please think twice before saying, "I understand what you are going through". Do you truly understand?

Pets: Pleasing or Pests?

Is buying a pet for an aging parent a good idea? It depends on the animal. While pets provide enjoyment, companionship and love, they can be a huge responsibility for an owner, no matter what his/her age. Dogs, for example, can be very challenging ... they must be properly trained as well as taken outside to do their "business" on a regular basis.

In chatting with one caregiver recently, she shared how she had given into her mother's requests and bought a puppy. The puppy, of course, was very playful and would often jump up on this woman's mother's legs to greet her. One cannot blame the puppy for this as it was just naturally delighted to see her, but, in doing so, the puppy badly scratched the mother's lower legs continually - a very painful experience. This woman's mother did not have the energy to properly train it so the puppy continued to do so as well as ransack the mother's home, chewing everything in sight. Instead of becoming a faithful friend, the puppy turned out to become more of a menace.

With giving a dog to Mom or Dad, the animal will, likely and ultimately, become your responsibility. You may have to train the dog, walk it and even perhaps feed it (if Mom or Dad begins to overlook this). Chances are that you will not have the time or the energy to add these additional jobs to your plate. If you still like the idea of bringing a dog into your parent's home, do so on a temporary basis. Leash up your own dog (or a friend's) for a shorter visit ... pet therapy has been proven effective for older individuals. I have seen a number of long-term care centres offer this type of program for those living there or have a resident cat (which can happily survive with much less constant attention). This type of arrangement is far preferred.

To Prepare or Not to Prepare?

To prepare for caregiving or not to prepare? I ask this question after meeting a middle-aged woman at a recent book-signing I participated in at a local Chapter's bookstore, She was unwilling to accept the possibility of her ever being required to provide care for her mother. Her mother, at 83 years old, remained the picture of good health ... she walked briskly each day and her mind was as sharp as ever.

Looking towards the future remains a person's own choice. As an advocate of preparation, I recommend planning ahead - even with these uncertain times, there are many things that you and your family can prepare for. With that said, I must add that I do not want you to completely drop your own life in expectation (I can relate this to sitting by the telephone waiting for a phone call which may or may not ever occur).

Nor do I want to instill fear into you. You may never need to step forward as a caregiver. Your parent may peacefully pass away while sleeping overnight ... if so, consider this a blessing.

Make some modest plans now considering what may happen with Mom or Dad. Consider what might happen to either of them and secure help where this will be needed. Might you need to find a qualified home renovator to refurbish the parental home to allow for wheelchair access within it? Who in your family will do what? Could you tour one or two long-term care facilities in your city/town to determine its appropriateness?

But, by all means, don't put your own life "on-hold" with an anticipation for the worst. Perhaps your parent will live for another 10 - 15 years? In the meantime, you have your own life, your work, your family to attend to.

Quality of Life: Just What Does This Mean?

I've been thinking a great deal lately about the term "quality of life". When it comes to long-term care, these words are frequently bantered about ... sure, they sound good, but what do they really mean? The truth of the matter is that "quality of life" will mean different things to different people. "Quality of life" will also be practiced or provided in completely different forms as well. For the senior's family, this vague term may suggest the highest standards in accommodation and professional care while for longterm facility staff, "quality of life" may be defined as providing a senior three square meals per day, a shared room and proper medication dispensing.

The bottom line for caregivers is to identify what "quality of life" means to their parent and then practice this as diligently as possible. With my own parents, both insisted on being able to "contribute meaningfully" in some way. Even this statement can be misinterpreted, but what Mom and Dad never wanted was to be kept alive by artificial means. I can't say that I blame them in the least.

If your parent(s) is/are still cognitively aware, meet with them and openly discuss their future wants. Clarify any misunderstandings and get their final wishes written down on paper. If this is impossible, then look to your parent's living will ... chances are good that this issue will be covered.

Remember, that "quality of life" can be a highly confusing term; however, respect what your mother or father wants.